Introduction
Welcome to my Research page!
A “moral compass” guides us to expressions of human values and allows us to connect with hearts and souls, but it can’t make someone be a good person who isn’t wired to be. Some people are hard-wired to view generosity, kindness and selflessness as a weakness to be exploited for personal gain.
When you and your voice are rendered defenseless, forced compliance with a perspective (one that isn’t real, at that), may be in your best interest to agree with at least to diffuse the matter and leave it alone or there may be consequences. When someone takes the firm position of your truth (that you know is the truth), versus theirs…. you’re in a serious situation. It will likely escalate if you resist, and it’s important to understand unequivocally that when someone is fully invested in a fantasy, they will not budge!
There are others yet in an entirely different situation. They have an overwhelming need to make people believe them no matter what or how they do it. They will go to great lengths to live in the vast emptiness of darkness, smoke and mirrors, magic tricks and other physical or verbal distractions to take your attention away from valid concerns and bring you into their dark world. Anger, name-calling, rage, and more may be used without mercy to ensure you understand!! Resistance is futile in severe cases.
When that happens, your world of light and your human need for truth is snuffed out gradually and becomes a dark, barren landscape just as the one directing it in your life. You can no longer distinguish truth from untruths without proof and evidence from the one or ones you trusted, and you are no longer at peace within yourself. A nagging ache in the pit of your stomach knows something isn’t right; danger is in the air and it’s real. “Fight or Flight” feelings fill you and cause anxiety…what do I do….stay or run?
That’s when your internal struggle and fear of the present and future really begin with clarity. With that, we should get started too….to try and understand the possible why and how of it all…
Brain Food
Cats, Stripes, and Critical Windows (A Nobel Prize Winner)
An interesting and very significant experiment took place using cats and lines (vertical and horizontal) several decades ago. Scientists who conducted this experiment with cats earned the Nobel Peace prize because the results would be appropriately applicable to developmental issues with people.
Mr. Sam Kean, a highly respected science writer and author, wrote a three-part article in 2014 for Psychology Today under the heading “Brain Food”. While all three articles reveal the extraordinary process used, Part II describes the results of this one experiment. I will reiterate just the first several paragraphs in Part II about this experiment with cats and stripes, and will provide the links if you choose to read the full three Parts:
Mr. Kean writes: “Neuroscientists made the first real strides in understanding how vision works inside the brain by studying cats. (In short, no matter what we’re looking at, neurons in the primary visual cortex break the image down into line segments, as if the entire world consisted of stick figures.) But the neuroscientists responsible for this work, David Hubel and Torsten Wiesel, also used cats to study brain development, especially during infancy.
For this work, the duo divided a pack of kittens into two cohorts, the horizontal group, and the vertical group. As you can probably guess, the vertical group was raised in a world consisting entirely of vertical lines: the wallpaper inside their cages was black-and-white stripes running floor to ceiling, and the people handling and feeding them wore either solid colors or vertical stripes as well. As a result, these cats saw nothing but vertical lines for the first several weeks of their lives. Meanwhile, other cats were raised in cages lined with (and handled by people wearing exclusively) horizontal stripes, and this group never saw vertical lines.
The results were startling. Cats raised in one environment were blind—literally blind—to any lines running the “other” way. Cats raised in a horizontal world, for instance, could see the seats of chairs just fine and would jump up onto them to nap. But they couldn’t see the chair’s legs at all and constantly banged into them. The vertical-world cats had the opposite problem. They weaved around the chair legs like champs but could never find a cozy spot to snooze.
These experiments provided some of the first and best evidence for the existence of “critical windows” in brain development. The basic idea is that the brain, which is plastic when young, must be exposed to certain sights early in life or it will remain blind to those sights forever. In this case, because the vertical-world and horizontal-world cats never saw any differently oriented lines during their critical windows, their brains ended up dedicating all their vision neurons to one orientation and neglecting the other. Something similar can happen to human beings.”
This experiment was determined so significant in understanding human development that it was incorporated into the curriculum of Psychology 101. For several decades now all new mental health professionals learn about this experiment early in their academics. The blindness of the cats to opposite lines doesn’t apply just to the ability of the brain to process visual data.
The results of the experiment were evaluated in child developmental studies. The most crucial years for development are 0-5…from the day you arrive home from the hospital in your mother’s arms. It was determined that if a child is not exposed by a certain age (a “critical window”), to certain aspects of growth—good moral standards and values for example (which first come in our nuclear families), they will never learn to see those qualities and values as an adult when someone presents them.
As with the cats, some people are “blind” to certain values and can not recognize them when they’re directly in front of them because these were never learned, and as such, become much as a foreign language.
Some people are so “blind” (literally) to values that those who demonstrate them are not seen as the loving and generous person they are, but rather as an object who’s sole purpose is to give to the taker. This is a serious problem that can create a very serious imbalance in interpersonal relationships. The goodness and giving nature of someone isn’t necessarily taken advantage of if the giver is giving willingly, but more often than not this generosity is taken for granted.
If someone doesn’t learn to see something good in front of them when they were supposed to, they will never be able to recognize it when they’re an adult and therefore will not reciprocate in their personal relationships! If you feel unappreciated, you likely are. How can someone “give it back” if they don’t recognize they were given it in the first place?
It’s about being….grown up…an adult in the real sense with values that are learned. How many times have you heard someone, or even yourself, say about an adult you knew well or were related to that is a problem in your life….”I wish they would just grow up“.
There’s more truth to that euphemism than you might think. If someone never learned to recognize something good, or someone’s goodness, they can’t understand it. If you can’t understand something you can’t appreciate it. If you don’t appreciate something you can’t respect it. If you don’t respect something it has no value. If something has no value, what do you do with it?
What do you do with someone who is blind to the goodness in front of them to such a degree it’s destroyed through neglect, manipulation and deception? People are not disposable commodities to be tossed aside like trash or to be abused through mean or cruel treatment, and not especially someone who is authentic and genuine, and devotes their time, energy and resources to their commited relationship. Everything we do to another comes with an ultimate and heavy price tag presented by life, or karma.
We’re a culmination of what we learned throughout our lives starting at birth and we have our integrating experiences from living that help us (or should help us) to learn and to grow (up) to be good, loving and kind people with a capacity for forgiving, and for giving (not in the material sense). These lessons as we should learn as we live are what determine how we develop and grow up….or not.
Having said that, we’re also a culmination of what we didn’t learn. You only know what you know and have no clue what you don’t know. Growing up is a never-ending process for some, while others either never had a chance, wasted the chance to start, or detoured off course and became lost.
You can read all three Parts of the experiment with these links:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/brain-food/201404/the-cat-nobel-prize-part-i
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/brain-food/201404/the-cat-nobel-prize-part-ii
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/brain-food/201404/the-cat-nobel-prize-part-iii
I believe in the human spirit; that with genuine love and support, and perhaps meaningful and willing psychotherapy (talk therapy), one can overcome most of life’s challenges from developmental years living in a tragic environment they did not create. I’ve read about it and have heard it happen for some; an awakening, a kind of revelation, a realization from literally waking up one morning that they’ve hurt people (and themselves) who offered values, friendship, love, and happiness in life.
What follows are some areas of my research over many years that may offer you solace, understanding, and hopefully some answers you may be seeking.
I welcome positive, constructive and respectful dialogue and feedback. If you have thoughts, comments, or questions about aspects of my book, this website or its content, feel free to use my Contact Page.
Best Wishes, Sean
MICRO-EXPRESSIONS
I learned about and studied micro-expressions extensively from my readings and research in deception detection. I have listed several books on this subject in the Bibliography that were exceptionally helpful. These are facial expressions that last between 0.5 and 4.0 seconds, generally. They are extremely quick and comprise two innate results on the face simultaneously that directly conflict with each other.
Liars like to lie…they enjoy lying because it’s what they do best, and many are professional grade. But liars have an unknown force of nature’s design working against them. When the brain’s decision-maker (the Amygdala) responds to the joyful stimuli an abusive individual or a liar experience at a lie they’re telling you, the first facial response is likely a smirk which represents gladness (this is the truthful expression).
They’re elated by their lie to you, and it can’t always be hidden. This “extremely quick smirk” is followed instantly by the second emotional response–the smirk fades and replaced with a look of seriousness or indifference (a concealment strategy). But it’s too late. You saw the smirk; the lie is out.
Unlike regular facial expressions based on human emotions (a smile, a laugh, sadness, etc.), it is extremely difficult-to-virtually-impossible to hide micro-expressive reactions. They’re involuntary and can’t be controlled. This is part of the human design. The body, including the face, gives us away.
Micro-expressions occur so rapidly that one must pay close observational attention to an individual’s facial expression in a discussion, or you will miss it. For this reason, when I have to hold a discussion with someone I know is a deceiver or prone to lying, I want that discussion in person and not on the phone.
Micro-expressions convey the seven universal emotions: disgust, anger, fear, sadness, happiness, contempt, and surprise. In the 1990s, Paul Ekman expanded his list of emotions including a range of positive and negative emotions not all of which are encoded in facial muscles. These emotions are amusement, embarrassment, anxiety, guilt, pride, relief, contentment, pleasure, and shame.
Paul Ekman is regarded one of the best psychologists of the 20th century and was the first to study human emotions and how it could relate to facial expressions. His research was based on how human traits, emotions and deception developed over time through empirical research.
Arm and protect yourself with the knowledge of micro-expressions to have a stronger potential to catch a liar or con artist—lying literally to your face and looking you directly in the eye with relative ease.
PSEUDOMUTUALITY
This is a relationship (any relationship whether family or not) that has a superficial appearance of mutual openness and understanding although the relationship(s) is actually rigid, depersonalizing, and unhealthy (for everyone involved).
“Pseudomutuality” is especially denigrating for someone who is the designated scapegoat or victim, someone looked down upon by family members for whatever the reason, someone who believes they know what’s best for you (that’s about control), or other self-indulgent reason. For clarity, this type of dysfunction (and it’s a major dysfunction) does not exist just in family units or narcissistic family units.
It exists between marriage partners or any people closely involved by emotional bond and in which surface harmony and agreement cloaks deep and damaging interpersonal conflicts that are not confronted openly.
Such is the term I used in my book, and you’ve heard in life; “sweeping under the [psychological] rug” (Chapter 3, page 25; Chapter 9, page 116; Chapter 19, page 288). Any effort to sweep issues under the rug equates to “…. if we don’t see a problem, it doesn’t exist…and because no problems exist, we’re all fine”.
Pseudomutuality is an unwritten, unspoken agreement through learned behavior to be mutually deceptive without actually saying that. It becomes a culture of normalcy.
Conflicts of views in opinions, issues, or severe interpersonal problems (concealed bullying or power-seekers, control freakery, narcissistic abusers) are resolved by ignoring them and thus pretending everything is fine. Conflict avoidance becomes normal resulting in dysfunctional behavior for everyone.
Adult-level healthy communication (talking) is non-existent and pseudomutuality becomes the standard culture. Relationships seemingly loving and strong on the outside to observers where pseudomutuality is active are actually corrupt, unhealthy and comprise mutual deception among players in a sick interaction.
A website URL to learn more about this is lovefraud.com, and a keyword search on Google for pseudomutuality will bring up multiple and highly informative resources. This is another subject to learn about in your life in addition to micro-expressions.
If you’re involved in something like this whether with a family member(s) or anyone else and not strong enough to confront issues and talk them out (which is fear-based), try to gain the strength (seek support if you have to) to initiate a genuine discussion. There is strength in numbers.
If you have a serial bully in your life, the non-bullies need to stand together such as I wrote in Chapter 20, Page 13 about the sister who maintained a secret relationship with her brother from their bullying, abusive mother, and when a third sibling returned from being away, they joined forces to discuss their concerns, held a meeting with the mother, and the mother’s abuse ceased. She was outnumbered.
If you initiate a discussion in your defense and are ignored or dismissed with anger, rage, or some other form of distractive tactic, stand your ground. The bully’s anger strategy is intentional and serves only two purposes: (1) to take charge of the discussion to bury it, and (2) to effectively take control of you.
Pseudomutuality that exists in families as a standard culture of mutually agreeable deception is a highly dysfunctional family. Beyond that, no issue was ever resolved in any circumstance by ignoring it, yet there are some who are so invested in refusing to accept responsibility or accountability for their behavior that they avoid any self-deprecating topic and may be more overt in their concealment strategy.
For example, if you approach someone about their behavior toward you and that person says,” I am NOT talking about this!!”, and/or walks away in silence and ignores you, or dismisses you, or argues with you about it, that behavior should tell you to put as much distance between you both and never reveal personal information regardless of who they are.
Another tragedy from pseudomutuality is that sometimes powerless victims protect the culture of the abuser with people in their own inner circles (through a false image or portrayal of that person as good) even if they don’t feel good about it and it causes them harm or their personal relationship in some way–just to maintain a “connection” with the abuser (think family member)–a relationship that is actually a fantasy since one cannot have a meaningful relationship with any type of abuser.
I read about “Trauma Bonding” for the first time in my detailed reading of The Stockholm Syndrome and see a correlation between pseudomutuality and The Stockholm Syndrome (read my entry on Stockholm).
Finally, pseudomutuality comes with two guaranteed results and only two, and both are very, very bad for you if you’re involved in this type of destructive relationship: (1) nothing is ever resolved and (2), abusers not only remain in power, but are fueled in strength the more and longer they’re enabled.
KARMA
For some, Karma rings of sweetness and joy and is harmonizing and appealing because people wronged have an inherent need for revenge (which is a trap). Like most, I had a misconception about what Karma really is. I thought when something bad happened to someone it was bad Karma, and when something good happened that was good Karma. I came to understand that Karma works that way—almost.
“Karma” is a Sanskrit word that means “action” – not result. That means Karma is based on cause-and-effect. It refers to actions and consequences of those actions. The steps in your life, your spiritual development and your personality are directly molded by three things: (1) what you think, (2) how you think, and (3) your actions (your behavior).
The present you affect’s the future you and likely others in your life. Actions of what people do at any given moment…usually but not always…. affects them immediately in the very next moment. This is Karma’s cause-and-effect and is based on what we do at that very moment. It was important for me to grasp that and incorporate it into my belief system because it’s true.
Do something good and be good in your values, and good should come next for you (and likely for others) because of it–perhaps not right away, but in the future. That is good Karma. Do something bad and bad Karma comes immediately “depending on the seriousness” of the offense, and if not, Karma will come in the future just as much in a bad way as it would for good….in its own time and bidding.
EXAMPLE 1: You stole something from a department store and the store detective caught you. You’re arrested and locked up for a few days, or pay a small fine or both in the coming days, weeks or months.
EXAMPLE 2: You’re holding a hostage at gunpoint and SWAT is called in. You’re about to experience really bad Karma in the next few minutes.
EXAMPLE 3: The TV show American Greed depicts conartists. They’re everywhere portraying themselves legitimate in their professions and are covert parasites motivated by greed intent on taking from you all they can and stealing your identity. Karma for evil people are jail cells…sometimes worse.
Karma will make bad behavior suffer at a time of its choosing. No one knows what, when, or how, but be assured life gives back what we give and may even be a devastating, life-changing loss or other event.
So you can see now why Karma serves two main functions within Indian moral philosophy. First, it provides a major motivation to live a decent, moral life–be kind, loving, honest, caring (human values), and secondly, Karma serves as the primary explanation for the existence of evil.
It is believed that Karma means no person comes into your life by mere coincidence, and places everyone into your life for a reason and Karmic relationships will play out as planned despite your best efforts. I cannot attest to this belief personally. I have not seen evidence one way or the other to corroborate that fate brings people together.
But I do know a person—whether a complete stranger, your long-term ex-significant other or a family member, is fully aware of his or her actions—what they do and have done. People aren’t oblivious to their abusiveness, sense of wrong, their self-righteousness, and false pride. Liars know they’re liars too, and drug dealers, criminals, and many other variations of dangerous people are well aware of their actions and behavior.
They know they have completely ruined their Karma a long time ago, so they must now live in fear and lurk and hide in the shadows of deception and darkness. Your ex-significant other doesn’t get affected to the same degree as a conartist, thief, or criminal of course, but the same principles apply to everyone:
- He or she commits karmic injustice.
- Feels good for feeling empowered.
- Realizes what he or she has done.
- Feels guilty, and then….
- Temporarily or permanently ruins his or her karma. (Temporarily since anyone can redeem their Karma by realizing the pain and destruction their lies and behavior caused someone, and do what needs to be done to undo the damage, and make genuine amends in deeds (not words) as quickly as possible to get back into the good graces of Karma. Those who cause harm to others in any way for selfish, self-serving reasons and then leaves it that way have likely ruined their Karma permanently.
On a final note, and this is important—never wish “bad Karma” on anyone, especially one who has hurt you in the worst of ways–coldly, callously and cruelly. If you do so, your own good Karma is at stake. The laws of the universe will not spare you, and it will not make you feel better. It will make you feel worse.
Wishing bad Karma on someone is very bad for your good conscience too. Revenge and vindictiveness are temporary relief valves and will make things worse if you act upon those tendencies—worse for you! Also, know that Karma is not always immediate and is often mysterious in how and when it comes and operates. It may take time before it’s delivered—perhaps a very long time and you may never see it happen, but rest assured it has been ordered and is on its way to those who hurt you.
In cases of severe harm, Karma does not come knocking lightly on one’s door; it breaks the door down. To name a few types who await their self-imposed karmic justice are the self-righteous, abusers in all forms (overt and covert alike), those who demonize goodness, those who betray others (and ironically, themselves), and the usual narcissists, psychopaths, sociopaths, and sadists (read my drop down about the Dark Tetrad).
Always remember….the universe is self-cleansing and no one escapes. Not even you.
TRIANGULATION
Willingly and intentionally bringing in the opinion, perspective or suggested decision of another person into a two-person relationship dynamic (marriage partners, boyfriend/girlfriend, family) is known as a process called triangulation. If you are the non-triangulating person in a relationship, it can leave you feeling unhinged, insecure, and uncertain.
Triangulation often uses views of other(s) to validate one’s own point of view. It’s a diversionary tactic designed to pull your attention away from someone’s behavior and paint a false picture of that person either as an authority, as desirable, or “right”. Everyone involved in triangulation is “played” by each other, which makes it more of a sick interaction than a relationship(s).
It exists between specific, closely related people that has likely persisted for years or even decades. It’s a pattern that’s hard to break and extremely unhealthy. The longer it goes on the more it becomes part of that relationships culture. As I mentioned in my book, I could not “reverse triangulate” because I had no third-party person around who was not under the influence of my family members. There is beneficial information on this and other tactics and strategies here:
TYPES OF ANGER
Understanding the levels and types of anger that I experienced required that I study them. It’s crucial to “see “what you’re looking at for the sole reason, as I experienced, you can’t defend yourself against something you don’t quite understand. There are two sources I found that discuss this and I offer them below. I found numerous overlaps among them which constituted mutually agreeable determinations. I also offer a brief excerpt from an article by Angela Brooks, a Nurse and Network Marketing Professional, who provides a common use of anger. Read each of these and understand the content.
- Your Life Counts – 3 Types of Anger: https://yourlifecounts.org/learning-center/aggression/dealing-with-anger-types-of-anger/
- Psychology Today – 4 Types of Anger: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201905/4-types-anger-and-their-destructive-impact
The types of anger in these two links above differ in scope and severity when it comes to narcissism and what’s referred to as narcissistic “rage”. The type of rage experienced from narcissists can be and usually is extremely frightening. Learn about it and importantly, understand it here:
Anger Can Be A Cover-Up for Guilt, Shame and Vulnerability
According to Angela Brooks, anger can be used as a defense mechanism. She writes in her article:
“Anger is a normal emotion that we all have. Humans have had anger since the caveman days, and it is necessary for our survival as a species. Anger, as an emotion, is neither good nor bad, it is just a feeling. It is a response or a behavior, however, that can cause all kinds of havoc both in the person who expresses it inappropriately and those to whom it is directed.
“Or, it can be used as an energy to set things right.”
“One type of anger is shame feelings are a threat to the integrity of the self. Unbearable feelings of shame keep you caught in fear of being found out by others. When you are held prisoner by shame, the perceived deficits within yourself are so humiliating that you will go to extreme lengths to hide the flawed self. Like screaming in rage at another person to get them to back off!”
“Anger can be substituted when you feel guilty and cannot own up to what you have done. Can be substituted to avoid the more painful feelings of embarrassment and humiliation. It can be “used” to shut down the internal bad feelings of vulnerability and helplessness, as anger is a more comfortable emotion to feel. And it works! It can also be “used” to intimidate and force the other person to back off and stop their criticism.”
“Anger then becomes the prevalent emotion used to avoid feeling bad inside. The habit of shielding yourself with the anger defense becomes a learned behavior of self-protection. Anger becomes entrenched as a protective device, and you have trouble giving it up. Anger can work to protect you against threat temporarily. But it creates more shame because on some level you recognize that what you are doing is unacceptable. The guilt and shame of habitually angry people keeps growing because they circumvent the bad feelings instead of dealing with them honestly.”
TYPES OF LIES (the most common)
Ideally, you want to be in the presence of another person to determine deception. Phone calls make it essentially impossible since facial expressions (micro-expressions) and body language are key to detecting lies, and on the phone all you have are verbal cues that you can’t be certain of.
You need to watch what someone is telling you and observe facial expressions of the person you speak to in order to see any contradictions between micro-expressions, verbalized cues, and body language indicators. There is always some giveaway….always.
Multiple resources differ on how many types of lies there are—some say nine, some say twelve and others say different numbers. All cross-connect in some way from what I have seen, so I find all to be valid. I am only going to mention what is generally accepted as the three most common types of lies.
We can see that the “oath of truth” in our own system of justice covers all three types of lies under every possible scenario in life (with your left hand on the Bible, and your right hand raised to God, of course!) …
- Lies of Commission (“I swear to tell the truth…”): These lies actively provide blatant, false information and are bald-faced; used with the sole intent to deceive. These have the potential to be extremely harmful in a multitude of nefarious and malicious ways.
- Lies of Omission (“…the whole truth…”): With these lies, an important detail is omitted from some statement or someone fails to disclose something crucial about themselves. Lies of omission are nasty. They’re difficult to spot and take less effort from the one lying. This is an intentional failure to tell the truth in a situation that required full disclosure. It often forces one to make a decision—unwittingly that is not in their best interest, that they would not likely have made had full disclosure been forthcoming. There’s sort of an evil element to this type of lie. In extreme cases of a major dysfunction, someone intentionally leaving out a detail may smirk without realizing it (micro-expression) or look in another direction, or some other distraction cue…and that is your cue something is amiss. And the third….
- Lies of Influence (“…and nothing but the truth.”): Sometimes people will tell you something completely unrelated to the truth to cover up a lie or partial lie. This is why lies of influence are also called character lies. These lies are meant to make you believe the liar, or to make a liar seem unlikely to even be suspected of lying. Toxic people who tell lies of influence keep the mask on of love and respectability while denying the truth and it’s highly likely planning and plotting may be underway in the background to further undermine you, and to ensure or maintain validity of the influential lie.
COLORS OF LIES
Lies have four (4) colors that determine the severity of the lie:
- White lies are altruistic. These lies seek to help others even if it comes at some cost to us; they’re completely unselfish lies that cause no harm to anyone and in fact, may save someone’s life under the right circumstances.
- Gray lies are lies most people tell. They serve to help others partly and to help us partly. Variations in the shade of gray depends on the balance of help vs harm, so there is some harm depending on the shade. The only question then is harm to what degree or extent? With gray lies, clarity is at times hard to capture. You can lie to help a friend or family member out of trouble and you get a return benefit when they lie for you later. The problem with that is those harmed in some way always lose out on something and one or more of the liars does too (rather stupidly self-defeating). Why?
- Another human condition never fails to assert itself. Protecting liars has a cost even if you’re related by blood, so don’t think that being loyal to a family member in protecting their appearance of altruism or lies is good for you. Loyalty to any known, habitual liar has a cost and Karma will come barging in soon enough. If people and family members willingly lie to each other and for each other, they also lie at each other and behind each other’s backs. That’s how this process works in its purest dysfunctional form and takes decades to get there. And they’re aware of it. In the end, how can they believe and trust one another?
- Black lies are intentionally pure selfishness, callousness, and designed to be extremely harmful or even potentially fatal to others. There is only one reason someone tells a black lie–personal gain or benefit in some way (tangible or intangible) and someone else loses significantly.
- Red lies are the worst of the worst. These are about spite, revenge, and vindictiveness. These lies are driven by a motive to cause intensely severe harm to others even at the expense of harming oneself and may even result in bloodshed and violent death. Pathological/malignant narcissism and sociopaths are in this category. Retribution to resolve an injustice (even perceived) may be a primary motivator even with potential self-destruction. If you know someone capable of red lies, abandon them immediately for your own safety!
THE FLYING MONKEY
This is not a comical term but an actual and very common term in professional psychology. A flying monkey can be anyone such as a friend, neighbor, cousin, spouse, sibling…anyone…who believes a known, fake persona. According to popular psychology author Angela Atkinson, flying monkeys are usually those who are unwittingly manipulated to believe disparaging remarks and smears about someone who is targeted (a victim). A flying monkey does not have to be a narcissist but may also be a narcissist working in tandem with another narcissist. A related term for Flying Monkey is “abuse by proxy”.
Flying Monkey takes its name from the Wizard of Oz, in which the Wicked Witch of the West employed flying monkeys to do her bidding. According to narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) author Sam Vaknin and other writers, proxy abusers can come from a number of sources: (1) the abuser’s associates, (2) the victim’s associates manipulated to side with the abuser, and (3) authority and institutional figures manipulated to side with the abuser. Here are some related key words for further reading and awareness:
- Character assassination
- Cult
- Enabling
- Factitious disorder imposed on another
- Family nexus
- Gang-stalking
- Parental alienation
- Parental alienation syndrome
- Sycophancy
- Triangulation (psychology)
- Stockholm syndrome
- Useful idiot
GASLIGHTING
This is an emotional manipulation tactic that leaves its victims confused and despondent as they question their own sanity and leaves one in a fog of an altered reality because it induces in someone the sense that their reactions, perceptions, beliefs and even memories are not only mistaken, but without grounds – unfounded to such an extent as to qualify as crazy (Abramson, 2014, p.2.) (Sarkis, 2018).
By creating chaos, gaslighters hold all the power in a relationship as their victims become increasingly oppressed. Triangulation is often used with it, which involves speaking through other people rather than directly, and “splitting” (also called “black-and-white thinking”, or “all-or-nothing thinking”) which involves driving a wedge between people (Sarkis, 2018). Splitting is a central defense mechanism.
Manipulative gaslighting is further described as an act of sidestepping actual evidence supporting a victim’s testimony or truthfulness and labeling the victim as psychologically or cognitively impaired (Stark, 2019). To this end, gaslighters typically use statements such as “You’re too sensitive”, “You’re nuts, “Lighten up”, “You need help”, and “I was only kidding” among others.
Domestic violence and domestic abusers provide ideal case studies for gaslighting as it is a common way for abusive people to isolate their victim while limiting the victim’s ability to seek help (Sweet, 2019). There are very effective techniques you can use to stop gaslighting behaviors. Here are some:
Recognize warning signs. Gaslighting is not an overnight occurrence. Perpetrators repeatedly trick, deceive, and manipulate to wear down victim(s) over time. The insidious nature of gaslighting generally leaves victims feeling lost and confused without ever noticing the steps that got them there. With that, there are definite signs that may indicate early gaslighting tactics. Some are:
- Attempts made to turn others against you.
- You are repeatedly being lied to and lied about to others.
- You are criticized as being crazy, sensitive, weak, wrong, stupid, or inept.
- You are being isolated from friends and family.
- Your attempts at communicating your concerns never go anywhere.
- Listen to your gut (instincts). If you feel that something isn’t right in your relationship or your interactions with someone, don’t ignore your intuition.
- Don’t be ashamed. Gaslighters are masterful manipulators, and anyone may be drawn into their tactics regardless of intelligence level.
- Don’t second guess your feelings and intellect. If you feel a certain way or believe something to be true, don’t allow someone to discredit you. Document every interaction if you have to. Keep a journal.
- Check in with other people. As you are being drawn into the gaslighters’ manipulative process, the insight of others will help you see the reality of the situation.
- Don’t merely accept the gaslighters assertions regarding your mental or emotional wellness.
- Don’t retaliate. Gaslighters rarely back down; typically seek revenge if retaliated against (Sarkis, 2018).
- Try not to react. If you can avoid acting afraid or upset, do so. Like bullies, gaslighters are reinforced by their ability to get under your skin.
- Reduce exposure to a gaslighter whenever possible and GET OUT of a relationship fast.
- Seek help from a therapist.
Because gaslighting is fueled by the intimacy between the abuser and victim (including nuclear-family members, from my experience), it often occurs within close relationships (Stern, 2018). Gaslighters may be any gender, and gaslighting may take place in any relationship.
Gaslighting, which victims have described as ‘crazy-making,’ is especially damaging within power-laden relationships (Sweet, 2019). Gaslighting is a type of narcissistic abuse in which the perpetrator often lacks empathy and has high levels of entitlement and antisocial attributes (Arabi, 2019).
Gaslighting is a long process that works in stages. For example, at the beginning of a relationship, the victim may only notice that something uncomfortable is happening within the relationship but may be unclear as to precisely what it is.
Over time, a victim becomes increasingly confused, worn down, and emotionally exhausted by an abuser’s manipulation, indifference, berating, and intimidation. This process feeds off of itself as gaslighting tactics weaken a victim’s defenses; they become more vulnerable and helpless against continued abuse.
Relationships are ripe for gaslighting effects because one of the most effective tools in gaslighting is love (e.g., opinions hold more weight when held by those believed to love us; Abramson, 2014). Interestingly, coercive gaslighting interactions are more common the longer couples are together (Blázquez Alonso, Moreno Manso, & García-Baamonde Sánchez, 2012).
Importantly, along with being highly detrimental to kids, gaslighting behaviors are frequently passed down to the next generation. Children raised by gaslighters will often apply these same tactics in their own relationships, a behavior referred to by Sarkis (2018) as ‘fleas,’ meaning, ‘lie down with dogs, and you end up with fleas.’ It is thus imperative to break the cycle of gaslighting behavior before it extends its destructive grasp toward more potential victims.
The consequences of the chronic stress of gaslighting might also result in health problems and reduced work performance. Clearly, gaslighting is no joke; it erodes multiple facets of psychosocial health, often leaving victims with major depression, anxiety disorders and even suicidality (Sarkis, 2018).
A Final Message: Gaslighting is a control tactic that wreaks havoc on various types of relationships, including those between romantic partners, parents and children, siblings, and coworkers. Anyone may be affected by this insidious technique – victimization is not a sign of weakness or naiveté. The short- and long-term consequences of gaslighting are immense, leaving victims profoundly depressed and unable to cope with daily life. Gaslighting across various contexts identifies major red flags. You must heed them!
The Mask, Bully, Coward, Liar, Fraudster (Overt and Covert Abuse)
It’s not very nice to call someone names or to label them as this sectional title suggests, but when it comes to a narcissistic person or someone with narcissistic behavior, calling them out is a matter of survival. I personally have no problem standing up to anyone like this.
Exposing or calling out abusers of any type (sexual, emotional, psychological), or a bully, in public or private and especially identifying it within a family, is the same as urinating on the altar. Be prepared for a full-frontal attack or a full-scale war.
Every narcissistic person or one demonstrating such behaviors wears a mask to its internal and external worlds. It is a false persona that serves them and only them and what they want you to see. When you strip the mask off, you’ll find weakness and vulnerability you might consider to be pitiable—and that would be true if they weren’t so ruthless and vicious.
The worst are covert; they know how to hide until they lurk from the shadows to inflict behavior to meet their objectives (always not to anyone’s benefit but their own), and then lurk back into hiding. Excuses, fake remorse, and empty promises follow to soothe the gaping emotional and psychological wound, but it’s a trap to keep you on the hook and to keep themselves in power. Let’s look at these:
The Mask: Abusers of all types wear a mask. Chances are you will never remove the mask but if you do, you will become the enemy. The mask is defended at all costs with a full arsenal and array of controlling strategies, preemptive strikes (offense or defensive depending on the situation), and abuse tactics… including potential violence.
Whether a young person or a child who was overvalued with excessive praise and indulgence or undervalued with neglect and/or abuse (or a combination of both parental mishandling styles), the narcissistic person is an emotionally stunted child with an adult savvy for ruthless and vicious manipulating. The mask he or she wears to assert a face of superiority and entitlement is designed to protect themselves from intolerable feelings of invalidation.
The Bully: These are classics who ambush, attack without cause or a perceived reason and prey on the vulnerable within their reach and grasp, usually those who love them or have an emotional bond with them, namely spouses, children, brother(s)/sister(s), parents, wife, husband, etc., and who as a result, can leave a decaying carcass of lasting emotional/physiological trauma. Exploiting power over others through fear and intimidation feeds their endless need to control, feel superior, and their lack of empathy gives them free range to abuse without the troubling hindrance of a conscience.
The Coward: Every coward wears a mask. Many of us come out of invalidating (sometimes severely) home environments, but we don’t become compassionless sadists. Narcissists or those who demonstrate narcissistic tendencies and thinking patterns are cowards and fundamentally terrified of anyone who might see through their mask.
Their driving motivation in life is to shield themselves from threatening emotions that trigger a deep-seated sense of inferiority (narcissistic injury). They often strike and run, initiating surprise emotional and/or psychological attacks and then retreating into the shadows before they can be confronted with consequences. They’re experts at leaving no evidence (at least to those uninformed who don’t understand them). Expose them and they may behave in return with passive-aggression, cloaking rage in pitying performances meant to induce fear, guilt and blame (in you).
Whatever hurtful or harmful tactics they use, they never take responsibility for their behavior and flat out refuse accountability. They are masterful and convincing in denial and blame while secretly undermining you in the background.
The Liar: The mask these people wear is in itself a lie just as it is for other creatures of conflict. Period. It’s designed to protect them from truths they cannot bear and their lies they refuse to own. This may feel like another pity moment, and pity for a narcissist or someone who demonstrates the behavior is understandable—but beware. If you pity a narcissistic person (or person with that tendency) regardless of who they are, you’re roaming in very dangerous territory.
They continuously try to control others’ perceptions of them and when they can’t, they resort to nasty and at times violent reprisal. They cast themselves with virtues, highly principled and respectful of others, but are only concerned with their needs and objectives and are too weak to face life’s truths, especially those that threaten their defenses. They talk a good game but when it comes to truth, they stonewall, blame/shame, scapegoat, gaslight, and always deflect.
The Fraudster: They are, by nature, human clones. Their mask is permanent but can still be removed with surgical precision. They lie, exaggerate and brag about themselves and denigrate others to boost their image. Everything they do is in the service of asserting a superior face no matter what reality exists inside themselves or within their family. A dictionary definition of fraud is a person or thing intended to deceive others, typically by unjustifiably claiming or being credited with accomplishments or qualities.
They are classic frauds at love, parenting, friendship and any other important relationship in life. Because they lack ability to recognize and empathize with others’ experiences and emotions, they are incapable of authentic intimacy, kindness, or selfless giving.
Covert Abuse (Psychology Today)
There is an interesting article here on covert abusers you will be gratified to read:
How to identify (and deal with) external threats to your relationship
E.B. Johnson is writer, author and certified coach. She is Host of the Practical Growth Pod. Master Practitioner NLP. Her resources can be found here: https://linktr.ee/ebjohnson01.
In my opinion, she hits home run after home run in learning how to deal when your love is under attack, and she focuses specifically on when you have family members who interfere. She writes:
How family interferes
When it comes to the undermining of integrity in our relationships, no one does it quite like family. The people who know us best are also best at dividing us from the ones we love, and they do it using a number of creative and malicious methods”.
Be it conscious or unconscious, the people around us can pose a threat to the security of our romantic relationships. There are some who attack the relationships of others because they are insecure or feel a need to be “superior”; others do it because they live an emotional world based around reactive fear.
Whatever the reason might be, it’s important to know the signs of a romantic interferer before they can destroy your relationship. Toxic people enjoy nothing more than undermining the integrity of a couple, and they usually do so by creating conflict and derailing one partner or the other. Only by knowing the signs can we prevent and minimize these attacks, protecting our relationships and the connections that give our life meaning.
Exercising authority
There are several different ways in which authority can be exercised over another person. When it comes to breaking down our romantic relationships, this type of rank pulling most often happens with our mothers, fathers or anyone else that we might see as a caretaker or “authority figure”.
This pulling of rank can be done directly, by making a demand and forcefully intervening, or it can take a more passive-aggressive form like [up]coming events in which only one partner can be included (ref Chapter 7, page 77). Either way, it’s toxic, and it undermines our partnerships in devastating ways.
Generating crises
Many third-party interferers assert their dominance by generating crises that don’t exist. These catastrophes are intended to draw away the attention of one partner or the other and it is also meant to sow discord between them.
As one partner scrambles around, seeing to schedules and priorities, the other is left behind or drawn away with any assortment of other tasks. Over time, the partners can become distant or unhappy with one another as their time together falls more and more out of whack.
Creating conflict
While this one is not always limited to the realm of family, creating conflict is one of the primary ways in which our family members might seek to undermine our romantic relationships.
Some people just cannot resist the urge to stir up aggravation everywhere they go. They can do this overtly or they can do it by whispering in corners — no matter how it’s done it’s damaging in a number of ways. These are the people that can cause us to quarrel with our partners of what is happening or what to do about it, pushing us until we’re at our absolute limits with our spouses and even ourselves.
Whichever way they choose to do it, those who sow disharmony in a relationship are always toxic, but it sometimes takes some brutal honesty to come to terms with who and what is causing things to go south in your relationship.
Interfering
The interferer can be a hard person to spot. They might be the parent who reorganizes the kitchen without asking, or they might be the aunt who gives your children caffeinated soda (even when you asked them not to). There are a lot of different ways that our loved ones can interfere in our romantic relationships — and every single one of them is toxic.
Being passive-aggressive
Our family members can manipulate our emotions like no one else, and this most often happens through passive-aggressive behavior.
Passive-aggressive interference occurs when a third-party manipulates a couple (or one of its members) by expressing an anger that they deny as their own. Think of the mother who withdraws or refuses to participate because she “doesn’t like” your partner or the activity. It could also be the person who teases or pretends that things are not as they are.
Blame is a big part of the passive-aggressive game, and that comes down to shifting the blame for their own feelings and opinions onto others. Passive-aggressive people can be hard to spot, and even harder to detach from, but it’s necessary in order to protect ourselves and the ones we love.
Creating doubt
When our friends or those around us [those close to us] constantly question our partner, it can create doubts that seriously undermine the trust that is crucial for the survival of any relationship.
Even if our partners are clear with us about who they are and what they want from life and their connections, constant questioning or criticism from a third-party can force us to question our spouses and companions. With these people, even seemingly innocent questions become kernels of insecurity.
A little (un)healthy competition
We all know that person who just can’t resist doing “one better” than everyone else. If you describe your vacation, they describe a better one. If you suggest a restaurant, they suggest a better one.
These individuals pose an especially dangerous threat to a relationship because they feel a constant and driving need to be superior. This deep-seated need often stems from insecurity and drives them to interfere in relationships they see as happy or successful.
Draining your resources
Though this can occur with our family members, it can also occur with our friends. This draining of resources can occur when an “energy vampire” steals enough time or attention to create a conflict between you and your partner. It can also occur when a friend or family member demands more time or material wealth than can be comfortably given away.
Signs your relationship is under attack
If you’re not sure, there are a few concrete signs that your relationship is under attack from someone or something on the outside. While some of these issues can stem from internal problems within the relationships (or the partners), many of them also stem from outside influence. Be sure you know how to spot these signs, or forever risk asking yourself “what if?”
Selfish rather than selfless
If you find that your relationship is requiring a lot more give than take, then chances are there’s an imbalance that could be impacted by outside sources.
Though couples drift naturally, a sudden shift into self-centered mode by one or both partners can be a major-warning sign that someone is interfering where they shouldn’t be. There are a lot of messages out there in our society that tell us our own happiness comes first, that just isn’t true in a romantic partnership.
It’s important to keep your needs in sight, yes, but it’s critical to consider the needs of the other partner as well. When your relationship takes a one-way ticket to self-centeredness, it’s often a sign that outside forces or pressure is at work.
Perpetual aggravation
When one partner seems perpetually annoyed, there’s often outside sources at play. The people around us can be masters of creating doubt, and that can cause us to get clingy, rigid or demanding with our partners. When we’re feeling stressed or doubtful about something, it lowers our resilience and makes us lash out in strange ways. Annoyance and aggravation in a relationship can be exasperated by friends or family who insist on sticking their noses where they shouldn’t be.
Uninvited enablers
Those who are intent on dividing us from our spouses and partners often use enablement as a means of getting in the middle. When third parties enable one member of a couple, they are encouraging behaviors that are destructive, heedless of the destruction being done.
They might do this for entertainment, spite or just because they’re generally ignorant of the consequences in their life. Friends who keep us out late (despite our protestations) or who offer access to things that are best left alone, are toxic and intent on destroying our relationship — whether we realize it or not.
Defeating this type of interference takes confrontation, but that in itself takes a certain type of understanding and know-how. Enablers aren’t to be taken lightly, they should be addressed at all costs. No one can undermine a relationship quite like the enabler intent on destruction.
Constant disruption
Simple interruptions might not seem like a problem the first time-or-two they occur, but they quickly add up to equally big problems for the couple on a downslide. Malicious third parties love to create issues in our partnerships by creating chaos that impacts everything from internal organization to ability to focus. While one partner might handle the interruption well, the other may not, and all it takes is one misunderstanding to end up in a world of “couple issues”.
How to lock your relationship down and kick the interlopers to the curb
If the picture above seems scary, don’t despair. There are a number of ways you can protect yourself and your partner from the malicious intent of others, but it takes honest communication and commitment each day. If you’re worried that your relationship is under attack, use these simple techniques to lock your relationship down before it’s too late.
1. Set boundaries (and stick to them)
Boundaries are not only important on a personal level, they are important on a relationship level as well. Our boundaries are the foundation of our health and happiness, but they have to be clear and we have to put a little work into them each day. The boundaries that are contained within our relationships guide our decisions, while fulfilling our need for stability. They’re important, and it’s critical that we stress their importance to the people around us.
Each couple has unique needs when it comes to their boundaries. Some partners value strong communication, while others value freedom and independence. It’s important to protect those values and support the needs of one another through frank and honest conversation. Decide what’s important to both of you and look for common ground that can help you maintain a strong and united front when the pressure is on. Start small and focus on a few new boundaries at a time, but don’t forget that you need to set boundaries with others as well.
You can’t set boundaries for other people until you have set boundaries for one another as partners. Once you’ve done that, you can zero in on tightening things up, so that you’re both better able to resist the stressors and temptations of outside influences.
Develop these either preemptively or as the need arises, making sure you maintain honest and open channels of communication throughout. These boundaries need to be agreed upon, and set with a certain degree of understanding on behalf of both partners. Discuss things, but trust one another’s judgement calls and know that they will always choose what’s best for both of you, not just themselves.
2. Maintain a united front
If you’re not a team [entirely devoted and committed to your relationship], you’re not going to be able to overcome even the smallest of challenges to your unity. Reassure your partner that you’re on their side, and make sure they’re on yours. Unwavering support is what it takes to overcome a third-party hell bent on destruction, but that’s only created by the two of you engaging in strengthening communication and experiences.
Get rid of that tendency to side with someone else against your partner. Drop that criticism in front of others. Present a united front at all times and make it clear that you won’t ever allow someone else to damage the foundation you’ve both worked so hard to create. You both need to be committed to the cause [your relationship], and you both need to make it clear that you’re one unit; one army — united.
3. Limit the influence of others
Once you have a united front and a united collection of boundaries, you can then set about limiting the influence of others on your relationship, effectively. We all have different tolerance levels, but you need to come together with your partner to decide the amount and type of influence you’re going to allow to impact your relationship.
You don’t limit the influence of others by shutting them out, you limit it by creating a plan ahead of time and trusting your partner, no matter what.
The outside influences in our life can be friends, family and even co-workers. There is always going to be at least one person in your life that is trying to influence or manipulate you in some way, so it’s wise to have a general plan before you’re confronted with a challenge or a threat from someone outside your partnership.
Decide how you will support one another through such confrontations, and be honest when some topics are strictly off-limits. Don’t respond to guilt trips and make sure you’re both clear on the plan of action when major decisions or family values come into the mix.
If you don’t learn how to limit the influence of others — and do it effectively — it will become an ongoing problem in your relationship that could drive an irreparable wedge between you. Make a plan of action that works for you both and stick to it. No one knows your relationship better than the two of you. Take charge of it and make it clear you won’t allow interferers or enablers to get involved.
Putting it all together…
It’s critical to learn how to spot outside threats to our romantic relationships. These threats can come from friends and family alike, and they can occur in a number of subtle and malicious ways. From passive-aggressive interference to an all-out fabricated crises — there are an array of ways the people around us undermine our relationships; but they can be thwarted with a little know-how and a little understanding.
Learn how to spot the signs of interference and know the difference between a caring friend and a nosey interloper. Wandering eyes and perpetual aggravation are often signs that someone is getting in the way, but you have to be honest and you have to be open in order to limit the effects of this interference. Protect your love by setting boundaries, maintaining a united front and limiting the influence of the more dangerous third-party elements in your environment. While falling in love might be easy, maintaining it takes work. Protect your work and your heart by protecting your relationship each and every day.
Resources to help you save your relationship (toxic family dynamics)
Oprah Winfrey, Psychology Today, Bustle, and others weigh in below with excellent guidance that will help you to understand the dynamics of a family or family members (his or hers) that controls or undermines your relationship and how to counter it. These are just a sample I selected that covers multiple scenarios. One common agreement among them all, however, is you must be united with your partner. A divided house always falls.
The most interesting of these articles and literature is the shear number about family or family members interfering with or destroying internal relationships. If it weren’t so common, these articles wouldn’t exist. Do your part to protect your relationship from your family. Read on….
https://medium.com/practical-growth/how-to-deal-with-a-toxic-sibling-32ff678873c6
https://pairedlife.com/relationships/How_to_Keep_Your_Family_From_Ruining_Your_Relationship
https://www.oprahdaily.com/life/relationships-love/a29609819/signs-of-toxic-family/
https://www.oprah.com/relationships/is-your-family-toxic
https://www.today.com/news/when-it-really-none-your-business-wbna15545595
https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/02654075211001127
THE DARK TETRAD
The Dark Tetrad traits describe the anti-social personality traits of narcissism, psychopathy, Machiavellianism, and sadism. While all four of these traits describe people who are prone to cruel behavior and taking advantage of others, each one is associated with a distinct profile.
According to psych2go.net, there are 7 signs of a dark tetrad personality. Following is a small excerpt. You can read the full article here: https://psych2go.net/7-signs-of-a-dark-tetrad-personality/
So, What Is the Dark Tetrad?
The Dark Tetrad is an evolution of the Dark Triad comprising narcissism, psychopathy, and machiavellianism. Added to this list after the Dark Triad was developed, was sadism–the fourth which changes the Dark Triad to the Dark Tetrad.
These four traits are believed to serve as the core of humanity’s dark side. Each trait is believed to be tied with one another, meaning that someone who shows just one element of the tetrad is likely to show another. It’s possible elements of all four can reside in one person. Each of the four traits are defined by the following (in their most simplistic definitions that DO NOT convey their true danger):
- Narcissism: Egocentrism and need for admiration.
- Psychopathy: Lacking empathy and regard to ethics.
- Machiavellianism: Manipulative and feelings of entitlement.
- Sadism: Desire to hurt others mentally, emotionally, and/or physically.
(Source: Hammond 2019)
To learn more about the Dark Tetrad, Psychology Today offers informative knowledge in the article you can read here:
THE PLACE OF STOCKHOLM SYNDROME IN NARCISSISTIC VICTIM SYNDROME
In the Prologue of my book, I write: “The parties involved—both abusers and victims—are bound by family
ties that are difficult to break, and so the victim suffers in silence and strives to find a way to keep a semblance of family connection while at the same time keeping the abusers at arm’s length.”
An interesting article I discovered describes the phenomenon of Stockholm Syndrome on victims of abusers. The Stockholm episode in 1973 sparked off great interest and research into the phenomenon of emotional bonding between captors and captives (abusers and victims). Psychologists wanted to know if what was witnessed in the Stockholm bank incident was a unique occurrence, or was it more common than was thought. Since then, studies have revealed that this behavior (positive attachment) in the captives does indeed occur in many situations, for example; narcissistic abuse, battering (men and women), abused children, incest victims, rape victims, cult members, prison camps, pimp-procured prostitutes, prisoners of war, etc.
It is interesting to note that Trauma Bonding occurs involuntarily in some abuse victims in which abusers can be anyone. In the context of this article, a “captor” does not have to be a hostage-taker and can be a family member (an abuser), and a “captive” does not have to be a “hostage”, but is always a “victim”. In part, the article states:
“Stockholm Syndrome knows no bounds, it can be found in all kinds of interpersonal relationships in the context of social, cultural and other influences; For example, families, intimate relationships, friendships, marriage, parent-child, the workplace, social clubs, associations, schools, Churches, Cults etc. That means that the abuser can be anybody from a father or mother, a brother or sister, a husband or wife, a son or daughter, boyfriend or girlfriend, a boss and employee, or indeed, any role in which the abuser is in a position of control or authority.
This phenomenon is so wide-spread that, in fact, virtually anyone can become a victim of Stockholm Syndrome. It seems that all that is required is the four following conditions be present:
1. That there is a perceived threat to the captive’s existence [emotionally, psychologically, or physically], and they [the victim/captive] fervently believes that the captor will carry out that threat.
2. That the captive experiences small kindnesses from their captor within a context of terror. [This is a “conditioning” through cruelty followed by actions and verbal kindness or affection; warmth, compassion after rage or some form of punishment for defiance or disobedience, and reward for compliance or obedience].
3. That the captive is isolated from any other perspectives [or views] other than those of their captor [the abuser].
4. That the captive perceives they have an inability to escape.” [Blood-family members, marriage partners, etc].
So what does Stockholm Syndrome have to do with a client/patient presenting with Narcissistic Victim Syndrome as a result of narcissistic abuse? The short answer is…a lot. For that reason, it is important for a therapist to understand and recognize the components of Stockholm Syndrome.
Without this understanding it is hard to fathom why a victim stays under the control of the narcissistic abuser for so long. The truth of the situation is that she [or he] has no idea that they are a victim of narcissistic abuse, neither are they aware that they are suffering the effects of Stockholm Syndrome, therefore, they do not have the necessary information to make sense of the dynamics created by the bonding process that comes with trauma.
Trying to exist while living within a spiral of behavior that includes the extremes of constant threats or adverse behavior by someone who believes they know what’s best for you (control) and kindness (intermittent good-bad treatment); the victim goes through a process of feeling loved while at the same time having their self-esteem shredded. These two elements together cause a power imbalance that can create the phenomenon of Trauma Bonding, and starts in childhood for some that becomes a culture and remains for life….unless one is strong and determined enough to have a good life where they put their abuser on notice with distance.
Read the complete article here: narcissisticbehavior.net/the-place-of-stockholm-syndrome-in-narcissistic-victim-syndrome
I will be sharing more….check back soon!