Introduction

Welcome to my Research page! I’m real happy you found your way here. During my initial note-taking in the mid-90’s of the experiences I was having, documenting my family’s behavior never gave way to thought that it would all eventually transform to a book manuscript that might hold answers for others.

It was equally challenging to capture my research on specific behavioral patterns at the same time. I had to make certain I understood what I was experiencing. I have this need for truth. I was writing seemingly forever on two different fronts with my manuscript and my research in unison. I had so many all-niters for years I can’t count them all and all while working full time and traveling.

With my manuscript I worked hard to cross every “t” and dot every “i”. Now, decades later here early in the year 2021, I am almost ready to publish my book later this year.

My research by comparison was designed for me to learn and to grow by shining a light on the science as related to specific behavior. It was about understanding. Documenting my research was also intended to better the lives of my readers through my presenting my research here. The term “knowledge is power” could not be more true when you have an abuser of any type in your life or in your rear view mirror.

I wanted this to be a place of understanding and to offer a peaceful environment of comfort; a safe haven of sorts where one could find knowledge and hopefully a level of solace from my experiences, my studies and my research that you might not have found elsewhere.

Should you find aspects of my research beneficial, I ask that you pass on to others the knowledge I presented and shared here with you. I guarantee if you decide to apply personal attention to the descriptions of defensive/self-protecting techniques I described, and pursue them further on your own, you’ll realize you have God-given skills you likely never knew you had.

Quite frankly, if there are not-so-serious a situation you’re in with someone close to you that causes you confusion, you might on occasion even have some fun with your enhanced or newly discovered skills! Obviously though, serious matters especially as related to relationships of any kind that we personally hold in great value and are fully invested in (emotionally, mentally, financially) — including family relationships, the skills you read about and might choose to enhance can be as much a curse to you as they were for me.

Discovering the underlying and deep-seated causes of someones maltreatment, greed, and other nefarious motives can be painfully revealing. If you are someone who even closely resembles a truth-seeker as myself, you may want to plan to prepare for a potential life of isolation and aloneness; a male or female “Warrior of Disappointment and Heartache” standing alone with the truth…all by yourself.

I’d like to believe people incapable of lying or not prone to dishonesty are in the majority. I live my life by Psalm 37:37 (KJV) and one does not have to be religious to understand it. Normal and healthy character requirements that offer peace in life to oneself and to others has always worked for me since the day I read:

Mark the perfect man, and behold the upright: for the end of that man is peace. Mark the blameless and behold the upright, for there is a future for the man of peace. Look at those who are honest and good, for a wonderful future awaits those who love peace.

Why do some people lie, live in a lie, and are prone to be deceptive and manipulative? Because while some people are fully invested in their relationships–totally committed and sincere, others are fully invested in creating a false image of the world you live in with them and they guard it with ferocious vehemence, and is not limited to family.

Sincerity is the one thing that differentiates us from those who are takers. If you’re Christian, you understand the importance of sincerity in living and how important it is in the eyes of God. There are no substitutes for sincerity, which is another word for authenticity.

I was convinced before I read this, and it just reinforced what I already learned from growing up: gracegems.org/Watson/upright_mans_character.htm

For some people, if you tell the truth about them even in open communicating, depending on the severity of the dysfunction suspected and level of aberrant behavior, you may be summarily discarded, ghosted or even brutally and cruelly treated. Extreme truth-haters are capable of murder. That is the affect truth and genuine goodness in others has on some people.

Here are a few examples of the destructive nature of truth and goodness vs lies and malicious intent we see in society by those who, on the one hand, expect truth, demand it and preach it yet give the opposite in return in both words and deeds and even condemn it if it’s about them.

The more severely dysfunctional have a willingness and/or capacity to kill in the physical sense.

Robert F. Kennedy, a man of truth, while Attorney General of the United States, was chief counsel to the Senate select committee conducting investigations into labor racketeering. His feud with Teamsters Union Leader, Jimmy Hoffa, was major news. In another scenario under RFK, when a mob became aggressive and threatened Martin Luther King Jr. and more than 1,000 supporters, RFK sent roughyl 400 federal marshals as a protective measure for each and every MLK supporter. RFK was also a staunch supporter of Israel and was ultimately shot by a Palestinian immigrant and died. RFK was determined to protect the population in various ways, our Israeli allies, and bring good about the country…look at what happened to him.

Speaking of the honorable Reverend Martin Luther King Jr., a man of God, of truth and expressive of authentic love, he walked the streets arm-in-arm with both black and white men preaching love, be kind and fair to all regardless of the color of skin. Look at what happened to him.

A man wandering barefoot across the lands with a following of devotees preached love all people, be kind, be honest, and defy evil and its supporters. What was his name? Ah…yes, now I remember ….Jesus Christ. Look at what happened to Him.

With respect to my views, my thoughts and interpretations, you have the right to accept them or reject them. Moreover, you have the God-given and Constitutional right to make your own decisions. In the context that I created all of this for you…you can choose to embrace some of it, all of it, or none of it.

Nevertheless, it’s my great hope that I’m able to help you find the answers you seek and the closure you need, or at the very least a pathway to finding them. If I can help light your way, I surely will.

A Brief Disclaimer

This Introduction may be a bit longer than you would normally expect. I wanted to be certain to give you a solid foundation from differing views and compelling provocations of my own thoughts to share with you, and hopefully initiate some degree of self-reflection and a memory recall of past events, behavior, and feelings in you from people you know and to whom you may even be related.

Science will have a lot to do with what you come to understand and know—and how you accept and process what resides here. God will have a lot to do with it too–what you believe in (or not). Your own recalled life experiences from your past and people you knew or know will also have a lot to do with it …and the final piece I’ve mentioned and will again….is you…and how honest you are with yourself. That piece….you….as always….is the key.

Relationships = People

My relationships are sacred to me and that includes my friendships. I guard them with ferocious loyalty. That means I don’t lie to people…nor do I have to. Not everyone protects their relationships or family members; some people don’t care and others don’t know how. Others see themselves as saviours and God in their families and relationships, and this fakeness of power is often used viciously and cruelly to manipulate and control.

Every type of relationship requires the same elements to grow and to thrive or otherwise dwindle and die… trust, honesty, genuine friendship, love in genuine forms (not perverted to one’s own whims)….to name a few …are minimum required values essential to sustaining a meaningful relationship (or a friendship on its own accord for that matter).

Much of what you read here applies to all relationships and people in general because people are always involved in relationships and it doesn’t matter whether it’s a business, personal, or family relationship. People demonstrate similarly destructive behaviorial traits in all types of relationships that are driven into the ground by the underlying elements of selfishness, self-centeredness, greed, a ridiculous need for power, other dysfunctional reasons…and more often than you might think…intentionally nefarious.

Givers and Takers

There are two types of people in general….givers and takers. There is no “in-between” in this context of human character; there are no gray areas. Business partners who deceive, cheat and steal are lying; romantic partners who control, manipulate or otherwise betray in some way or multiple ways ….are also lying; and family members who abuse and convey the opposite to their internal fan club family-members (selective members who believe the liar), and those in their outside worlds…are also lying.

Every relationship regardless of the type and that is eventually driven to ground requires lies, deception, manipulation and other destructive traits in some form. These elements and others are character/ personality flaws representative of a severe moral failure to develop.

Many have not learned to embrace authentic humanistic traits and the ability to connect to another human being(s) with any sense of enduring value. Some people never grow up….either by their own choices and decisions, or by the decisions of others that render nothing but despair, a sense of helplessness, and fear.

A Moral Compass

A “moral compass” guides us to expressions of human values and allows us to connect with hearts and souls, but it can’t make someone be a good person who isn’t wired to be. Some people are hard-wired to view generosity, kindness and selflessness as a weakness to be exploited for personal gain. This was evident as such in my brother who on two occasions said to me, “You’re too good for your own good”.

Some people in families or not take the gifts, give little to nothing in return, provide lip service in professing their love, devotion and commitment, and when you are no longer of value, are perfectly comfortable kicking you to the curb without warning. If someone treated you or someone you know this way, you can be assured they did it to someone before. In severe cases of such abuse and cruelty from adults, this type of behavior may even be the catalyst that results in someones physical death.

My Religous (Non-Secular) Views

With regard to my views and perspectives in the religious sense and my personal beliefs, I stand by all my views but I’m far from rigid or inflexible. I’m willing to hear another’s point of view and hold meaningful discussions in mutual debate. This type of communicating is often called….well, communicating at an “adult level”. I’ll be the first to change a position or view I’ve held if I have convincing or compelling thoughts or contradictory information I did not previously have as long as the new information is truthful and was not fabricated.

My developing personality evolved early in life for me to possess an awareness, as an adult, of a confluence between both secular (scientific) and non-secular (religious) perspectives and a constant search for truth. These are ingrained by virtue of my chosen path and course I directed for my life, and from my personal experiences…and I’ve had one or two that made me grow up fast when I was in my early-to-mid twenties.

I’ve been Catholic all my life; long before my military service career began. Admittedly, a couple of my military service assignments brought me closer to God and the Scriptures than I thought I would ever be, but my non-secular views began from my personal relationship with God as a small boy, religiously (no pun intended) attending Catholic school, Sunday School, and Wednesday Catechism.

My numerous discussions with clergy were invaluable in evaluating my own interpretations of my faith and the Scriptures, and from experiencing behavior from my family. That is because God and human values are a major part of my life.

I’m not involved in organized religion, but I know the rules—which are Gods and Lifes “natural” laws and rules. I know factually that they work and I know what I have to do in living my life to give them the best opportunity to work for me. Clearly, the natural laws have absolutely no chance of working to your benefit unless you follow them (and there are still no guarantees). Having said that, I’m also aware of the reality [emphasized: reality], and you should be too if you know what’s good for you, of what happens when there are willful violations of Gods and lifes natural laws.

Between God’s corrections, discipline and justice for violations, and Mother Nature’s skill administering her unmerciful corrections for infractions, neither “punish” in the sense of what life gives to us or indeed …takes from us, for the damage we have caused to people.

Whether it’s God, Mother Nature, Fate, or even Karma….call it whatever you like….life gives back what we give. If we do good we get it back (or should)….if we give bad behavior, cruelty, abuse or other evils…that’s what we get back and usually much more severe than what was inflicted by us toward another.

It’s about correcting versus punishment even though it may feel like punishment. I learned that by growing up, and my experiences early in life. But many adults have not grown up and do not grow up no matter how many times they screw things up from the same self-serving behavior they retained from adolescent or teen years and took with them into life.

Every adult knows that life automatically works against you when you violate the natural laws—but maybe not right away. See how far lies, severe selfishness, self-centeredness, manipulation and deception get you versus friendship, honesty, trust, and genuine love.

Some never learned that no matter how many disasters, losses and other damage in life they have caused for themselves and to others, they just can’t or don’t know how to look within to see what they do or have done to contribute to their own unhappiness and that of others.

Some are so severely selfish they could care less how far they go to ensure their own happiness despite the consequences to others or to themselves.

Elizabeth Taylor was married nine (9) times…twice to the same man (Richard Burton). Her happiness was clearly important to her, as it is to each of us. But how did getting married nine times affect others close to her? In my view, would this not seem to be about one person’s happiness to the exclusion of all others? It’s hard to conceive that being married this many times did not have some adverse affect on someone.

If you’re Christian, you know God loves us all and wants us close to Him, and what happens in our lives from violations of His laws and rules is designed for one purpose—to reflect on who we are, what we are, what we do and have done, and to help us make changes in views and behavior that take us closer to Him.

In laymen’s terms, more often than not that just means to — excuse my French — grow the fuck up. But some adults remain primitive as an adolescent—a teenager or even childlike, and that could be a painful process to unlearn and de-program after decades and requires long-term, in-depth professional help.

The Convenience of God

Some people claim to be Christian and are abusers. Other Christians go to Church looking for peace in the presence of God—in His house—in difficult and painful times, but don’t follow the rules once they leave. The way I see it, if a Christian claims to be so, but makes their own rules or disregards the natural laws…they may have a love for God in some way, but they haven’t come anywhere close to finding Him. You can only find Him if you follow His laws. I’ll repeat that: You can only find Him if you follow His laws.

The Ten Commandments are a great place to start—these ten laws cover every conceivable situation in life. But don’t just read the one sentence and leave it at that….read and study the meaning of each. I’ve helped out a bit throughout this resource section, but I’ll give two examples:

The 9th Commandment: “Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor”. An abbreviated way to say this is, “You shall not lie”. The 9th Commandment means don’t make up lies about people or in general or no one will believe you and from that, not trust you. “Neighbor” is interchangeable with any one.

The 10th Commandment: “Thou shall not covet”. Wanting something that belongs to someone else is never a good thing. It breeds lies, manipulation, greed, theft, betrayal, and even murder. Someone who breaks this Commandment and covets—wants and takes usually by subtle and/or not-so-subtle means—may be easily led to break all or most all of the other Commandments.

The Book of Proverbs is another guide which lights the way and is classified as “wisdom literature”. Other works of wisdom include the Books of Job, Psalms, and Ecclesiastes, to name a few.

Take the time to understand that God corrects, disciplines and administers justice to help people grow into a better version of themselves and to bring them (you) closer to Him (through changes in your behavior). When you hear the term “wrath” of God, one thinks of punishment, but He is not a punishing God. These links will help you understand that:

https://www.christianity.com/wiki/god/does-god-punish-us-for-our-sins.html

https://www.biblestudytools.com/bible-study/topical-studies/what-is-gods-wrath.html

So, what are the other rules? I’ve peppered them throughout multiple areas of my drop-down menu topics and I’ve added a list of “values” all adults should be able to recognize hopefully as you read on. In a few minutes, I’ll explain why I said….”should” and “hopefully”…. you’ll recognize them.

The workings of some Scriptures have also come true for me personally, and in ways and for others that I witnessed with my own eyes and so equate to and represent truth (and not my version of it). My belief in the spirit of God and His laws come from what I know is undeniably…. unequivocally ….true.

My Scientific (Secular) Views

Now, with respect to my secular perspectives in behavioral and medical science, my research and self-learning academics spans more than twenty years, over one hundred professional books, a multitude of internet resources, and visits to professionals who held the answers I needed.

My secular views then come from my belief in the science that I’ve been able to validate personally and from behavior I see in others. News channels on any given day provide details on what people do to each other, so there is no absence of reality.

I can attest to the brilliant minds who helped chart the way of understanding. Science has proven itself consistently to me, and so my secular views are based on what I could clearly and unmistakably verify. Any doubts or contradictions simply meant there was an answer somewhere out there that could give me clarity and I had to find it. Doubts make me dig for truth and answers as much as someone lying to me.

Dissonance and Harmony

Most times these two perspectives within me of science and religion are in harmony. I can hold two truthful yet conflicting views close in equal value without distress. I easily accept both as true (even if one perspective hurts), or I can accept one or the other or part(s) of one without devaluing it completely.

This is where harmony comes for me and I’m at peace within….even if it’s painful. I have the truth and that’s what I need. That’s what all people need….truth. Otherwise, it wouldn’t exist.

On occasion, some circumstance in my life creates an internal conflict. A degree of cognitive dissonance develops causing some level of distress—two truthful positions that contradict each other clash and I have a problem resolving it. I’m unsure which to choose as right when both are, and both are also true. Some things are difficult to resolve within us when we hold two truthful but contradictory views close to us. We have to find a meaningful solution without compromising our self-respect and values…and not hurt ourselves by selecting the one we want to believe is right or true.

After careful thought that sometimes may take a while (and not without requisite pain), I can honestly devalue a part of one perspective just enough to still hold it close but with the other a bit more in line with what my conscience tells me. Sometimes I can devalue one perspective entirely and be OK with it if my conscience agrees—it holds the tie-breaker vote, has the final say, and is non-negotiable.

Why? I place emphasis on my conscience because it’s my conscience that ultimately determines what I can live with and what I can’t. Science/secular views don’t have to live with me and could care less what I think, feel, do or say….and with God/non-secular views, I’m pretty certain He figures He made the rules and I get to decide whether to live by them or not—which takes Him off the hook.

So…in the end, because I have to live with me, my views and/or perspectives are based on a need for total honesty with myself and (1) what I know to be true without question, (2) my secular and non-secular beliefs, (3) all of the factual information I have available to process, and (4) approval of my conscience.

The truth, science, God, and the guardian of my conscience are connected to support me. I listen to each and more often than not they agree and when they don’t, I have some thinking and/or soul searching to do. But in the end, I’m at peace.

Your Truth….or Theirs?

When I have the truth, I know what to do and can make the right or best decision for me (and for others close to me and in my life).  I can’t survive in the life I want to live without the truth. I afford others that same right by my honesty to them. I learned by making mistakes at a young age and in growing up, to live my life as an adult so I don’t have to lie or deceive anyone….it’s too much of a distraction and makes me work too hard to live and to be happy. Besides….lies destroy.

When someone lies to us, they want you to make a decision that’s best for them which is automaticallynot in your best interest or worse yet, can potentially be very bad for you.  Some people are completely comfortable with, and determined, in their position of deception and self-deception––completely rigid and totally inflexible as my mother and family members were.

For example, I spoke to my mother one day about her abusive behavior (which she denied), and the discussion transformed into my arguing a position in defense of the “truth of her behavior” and how she recreated the truth through denial. She ended the conversation as abruptly as driving your car into a tree on purpose to stop it. She said, “You have your version, I have mine“.

End of discussion.

I’ve heard people say it with more precise words and with the same clearly delivered tone of conviction in their voices …“You have your truth, I have mine!” You’ll never get an abuser to admit to being one with any more success than you’ll ever get someone prone to untruths or being in denial to admit to it. But there’s another point I’m making here too.

Calling someone out doesn’t have to be about their abuse or cruelty. You can call one out who is wedded to dishonesty for self-serving reasons, but know that they aren’t really interested in what you believe or feel anyway. Deception in severe cases is encased in a super-fortress, and maintaining the narrative of “appearances” at all costs is the sole objective….even to a cost to oneself in some way.

The “Types of Lies” and “Colors of Lies” in my drop down menu gift wraps clarity on lies. I might suggest reviewing those will offer a good feel for the way ahead in your life, and be familiar.

Nevertheless, under any condition, your knowing truth to some has little to no meaning even when results of deceptions cross a line into the world of unreality, confusion and anguish. How can anyone deal effectively with reality when they are willing and with full knowledge to create a world of smoke, illusions and trickery?

A Word of Caution

When you and your voice are rendered defenseless, forced compliance with a perspective (one that isn’t real, at that), may be in your best interest to agree with at least to diffuse the matter and leave it alone or there may be consequences. When someone takes the firm position of your truth (that you know is the truth), versus theirs…. you’re in a serious situation. It will likely escalate if you resist, and it’s important to understand unequivocally that when someone is fully invested in a fantasy, they will not budge!

A dictionary definition for the process of manipulating someone’s reality is, “A disturbing or extremely confusing experience, in particular one that is caused by deliberate psychological manipulation”. A shorter and simpler definition that I mention in my book is mind-fucking. There is a similar wording people use that you might be more familiar with known as “screwing with someone’s head”.

It’s all the same no matter how you look at it. Regardless of the variation of words someone uses to make a statement regarding “your version of the truth versus theirs”, something is terribly wrong and you may be in a dangerous environment. The dysfunctional internal dynamics of the person forcing the deception has nothing to do with you.

I try to be gentle with the truth to everyone and present it in ways that are compassionate, nurturing and supportive, especially if it’s a hard, painful truth. Sometimes the truth can be painful. Truth and honesty are always the best way to resolve things regardless of the outcome, but sometimes it can really hurt if not delivered in a humane way.

Other times, especially under conditions of serious covert abuse, it’s appropriate to let the intense rays of sunshine do their best, sizzling work to disinfect dishonesty, cruelty and abuse in plain and open view. Abusers need a good dose of shame, humiliation and disgrace to come to terms with themselves—which I guarantee is a much better position to be in versus what God, Life, and Karma have in store for them.

Blocking Out vs Lying

Blocking out painful memories is something innocent people suffer with (which deserves a degree of genuine compassion). Some are in real pain, internalize it and in denial, and under those conditions, automatically enter a deceptive state but in a different way and for different reasons that require a humanistic capacity to understand.

There are some who were so abused as a child and in such internal pain they block it out of their minds as adults and likely have for a long time; closing their eyes to it throughout their lives. It’s not that they’re lying when they do not disclose it. A person can’t lie about something they block entirely out of their mind because it’s too painful to remember, think about, or talk about. It’s a terrible secret to live with.

The Stockholm Syndrome and its manifestation of Trauma Bonding rears its head in a multitude of environments that surround an abused person. Some keep it to themselves to hold a connection with their abuser. My drop down list on Stockholm has eye-opening details on Trauma Bonding and explains various abusive environments that manifest Trauma Bonding such as POWs, domestic abuse, and others.

Sometimes an abuse victim will intentionally protect the “image” of their abuser to those in their lives and carry on as though everything is fine when everything isn’t. Keeping an abuser a secret within yourself without resolution will blow up in your face and affects everyone around you. There’s another problem with it too….and this one is also about you.

Wherever you go, there you are….

Believe Me (or else!)

Still, there are others yet in an entirely different situation. They have an overwhelming need to make people believe them no matter what or how they do it. They will go to great lengths to live in the vast emptiness of darkness, smoke and mirrors, magic tricks and other physical or verbal distractions to take your attention away from valid concerns and bring you into their dark world. Anger, name-calling, rage, and more may be used without mercy to ensure you understand!! Resistance is futile in severe cases.

When that happens, your world of light and your human need for truth is snuffed out gradually and becomes a dark, barren landscape just as the one directing it in your life. You can no longer distinguish truth from untruths without proof and evidence from the one or ones you trusted, and you are no longer at peace within yourself. A nagging ache in the pit of your stomach knows something isn’t right; danger is in the air and it’s real. “Fight or Flight” feelings fill you and cause anxiety…what do I do….stay or run?

That’s when your internal struggle and fear of the present and future really begin with clarity. With that, we should get started too….to try and understand the possible why and how of it all…

Brain Food

Cats, Stripes, and Critical Windows (A Nobel Prize Winner)

An interesting and very significant experiment took place using cats and lines (vertical and horizontal) several decades ago.  Scientists who conducted this experiment with cats earned the Nobel Peace prize because the results would be appropriately applicable to developmental issues with people. 

Mr. Sam Kean, a highly respected science writer and author, wrote a three-part article in 2014 for Psychology Today under the heading “Brain Food”.  While all three articles reveal the extraordinary process used, Part II describes the results of this one experiment. I will reiterate just the first several paragraphs in Part II about this experiment with cats and stripes, and will provide the links if you choose to read the full three Parts:

Mr. Kean writes:  “Neuroscientists made the first real strides in understanding how vision works inside the brain by studying cats. (In short, no matter what we’re looking at, neurons in the primary visual cortex break the image down into line segments, as if the entire world consisted of stick figures.) But the neuroscientists responsible for this work, David Hubel and Torsten Wiesel, also used cats to study brain development, especially during infancy.

For this work, the duo divided a pack of kittens into two cohorts, the horizontal group, and the vertical group. As you can probably guess, the vertical group was raised in a world consisting entirely of vertical lines: the wallpaper inside their cages was black-and-white stripes running floor to ceiling, and the people handling and feeding them wore either solid colors or vertical stripes as well. As a result, these cats saw nothing but vertical lines for the first several weeks of their lives. Meanwhile, other cats were raised in cages lined with (and handled by people wearing exclusively) horizontal stripes, and this group never saw vertical lines.

The results were startling. Cats raised in one environment were blind—literally blind—to any lines running the “other” way. Cats raised in a horizontal world, for instance, could see the seats of chairs just fine and would jump up onto them to nap. But they couldn’t see the chair’s legs at all and constantly banged into them. The vertical-world cats had the opposite problem. They weaved around the chair legs like champs but could never find a cozy spot to snooze.

These experiments provided some of the first and best evidence for the existence of “critical windows” in brain development. The basic idea is that the brain, which is plastic when young, must be exposed to certain sights early in life or it will remain blind to those sights forever. In this case, because the vertical-world and horizontal-world cats never saw any differently oriented lines during their critical windows, their brains ended up dedicating all their vision neurons to one orientation and neglecting the other.  Something similar can happen to human beings.”

This experiment was determined so significant in understanding human development that it was incorporated into the curriculum of Psychology 101. For several decades now all new mental health professionals learn about this experiment early in their academics. The blindness of the cats to opposite lines doesn’t apply just to the ability of the brain to process visual data.

The results of the experiment were evaluated in child development studies. The most crucial years for development are 0-5…from the day you arrive home from the hospital in your mother’s arms. It was determined that if a child is not exposed by a certain age (a “critical window”), to certain aspects of growth—good moral standards and values for example (which first come in our nuclear families), they will never learn to see those qualities and values as an adult when someone presents them.

As with the cats, some people are “blind” to certain values and can not recognize them when they’re directly in front of them because these were never learned, and as such become much as a foreign language. The goodness and giving nature of someone isn’t necessarily taken advantage of if the giver is doing so willingly, but more often than not this generosity is taken for granted.

Some people are so “blind” (literally) to values that those who demonstrate them are not seen as the loving and generous person they are, but rather as an object who’s sole purpose is to give to the taker. This is a serious problem…a serious imbalance.

If someone doesn’t learn to see something good in front of them when they were supposed to, they will never be able to recognize it when they’re an adult and therefore will not reciprocate in their personal relationships! If you feel unappreciated, you likely are. How can someone “give it back” if they don’t recognize they were given it in the first place? It’s about being….grown up…an adult in the real sense with values that are….learned. How many times have you heard someone, or even yourself. say about an adult you knew well or were related to that is a problem in your life….”I wish they would just grow up“.

There’s more truth to that euphemism than you might think. If someone never learned to recognize something good, or someone’s goodness, they can’t understand it when it presents itself. If you can’t understand something you can’t appreciate it. If you don’t appreciate something you can’t respect it. If you don’t respect something it has no value. If something has no value, what do you do with it?

Or him or her? People are not disposable commodities and to be mean or cruel to one comes with an ultimate and heavy price tag. So, why do families and members covertly undermine internal relationships within a family? Jealousy? Greed? Power? Control?

For that matter, why do people, adults at that, undermine their own loving relationships just to live in a fantasy, an unresolved past, or for material gain?

Why do people not end serious, long-term and loving relationships with respect, dignity and grace, but murder endings with cruelty, physical death, or some derivative of ruination of non-physical death?

We’re a culmination of what we learned throughout our lives starting at birth and we have our integrating experiences from living that help us (or should help us) to learn and to grow (up) to be good, loving and kind people with a capacity for forgiving. These lessons as we live are what determine how we develop and grow up or not.

Having said that, we’re also a culmination of what we didn’t learn. You only know what you know and have no clue what you don’t know. Growing up is a never-ending process for some, while others either never had a chance, wasted the chance to start, or detoured off course and became lost.

You can read all three Parts of the experiment with these links:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/brain-food/201404/the-cat-nobel-prize-part-i

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/brain-food/201404/the-cat-nobel-prize-part-ii

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/brain-food/201404/the-cat-nobel-prize-part-iii

My journey through Dark Territory was long. My research provided the crucial connections I needed and helped me learn and comprehend incredibly damaging behavior that was so alien to me I was totally dumbfounded. I was never subjected to such severely disturbing and hostile, excessively infantile treatment until I returned home to my family of origin.

Prior to coming “home” from military service, I lived in a world where people were authentic and cared. I saw this both in the people of other states and foreign countries where I resided, and military service itself held the best example of humanity I could have experienced. I’m humbled by people who comprise the worlds givers—those who realize that life is about giving ourselves whether to humanity or to another human being we come to love and adore.

By contrast, what I witnessed and experienced from those intimately close to me and related by blood was so foreign in “taking”, I can best describe it in its most literal sense as life-sucking emotional and psychological vampirism—and I needed to come to terms with it on my terms.

Reinforcing my internal armor emotionally and mentally was key to my survival and that only came with knowledge I share here with you. As much as we know there is a light in some people who bring out the best in us, there is a darkness in others so profound and deep they bring out the worst in us. Many are family members…those we grew up with and shared the same parents.

FEAR AND SURVIVAL

An element of the human condition and part of Gods design for us is an innate need to survive, but not as in the jungle…in the emotional, psychological and physical sense of everyday living. We do what’s necessary for our present and future inner peace, personal safety or sanity. At times we have to make decisions or initiate actions immediately for ourselves under conditions of real fear or danger.

A psychological term for this is “Fight or Flight” (hang in there or run)—a built in defense mechanism. Part of the brain responsible is the Amygdala, which controls our emotional responses. This involuntary reaction is fear-based and comes with distress when we are not adequately loved or don’t feel safe. There is an underlying truthful condition of a feeling of imminent danger to manifest a level of fear in someone sufficient to trigger the “Fight or Flight” syndrome.

In such instances, we make decisions without regard to other considerations—all other priorities are rescinded. Our judgement, rationale thinking and reasoning ability ceases entirely. When we believe we’re facing hostile conditions or something of present or coming danger, we become temporarily mindless in order to survive. We hyper-focus an immediate solution to resolve that anguishing feeling of risk to our life, our safety or other survival need…and sometimes we make things worse.

At times though, a fear is perceived and we have to step back to realize what is real and what is not. Fear has the great potential to bring about the very thing one wanted to avoid (from happening) in the first place. That’s what fear does…it destroys in some way the one who fears and maybe collaterally others.

Nevertheless, a reality is that there are some difficult people we are related to who have their own agenda and have all of their lives, and who can and do give themselves the right to instill fear in their milieu. These power-seekers call themselves family and friends. They’re neither.

The fear they instill is just a threat to motivate you to behave or to make decisions the way they want (because they know what’s best for you)…their own internal world by contrast sees themselves as a wonderful, loving, caring person.

Throughout our lives, we have to discern who we can trust and who we can’t. Trust is one of those values that are earned and not given freely to just anyone (unless you’re a glutton for punishment); certainly not obligatory to any one even in our own blood families. Trust and truth exist for a reason and trust is a derivative of truth for a reason… they go hand-in-hand and matter in life and in every type of relationship.

Not everyone learned that. If you think of trust, truth and honesty with a lackadaisical attitude, you’re in serious trouble and so are people around you. Truth matters with both the people we decide to bring into our worlds and with those we’re related to. Should I make mention of truth and honesty with ourselves?

How many people live a life of self-deception? The adage and Bible passage “The Truth Shall Set You Free” (John 8:32), is not without good reason for peaceful living. Truth is freeing! More than that, it’s just as easy to be truthful as it is to not (and for me personally, honesty feels better than lying).

From my experiences of what people’s selfish and destructive lies have caused me in my own life, and how those lies affected people in my life, my awareness of the importance of the truth is from the incredible damage caused. I became a truth-teller and a truth-seeker…a radical one at that, I admit. I demand it from myself to people in my life and with others as I relate to them, and I have an expectation of it in return.

I have developed to do whatever I have to do to uncover the truth if someone in my life lies to me. That has the potential to open a box that let’s out the monster…and it has more than once, but when that happens I have the truth I would not have otherwise had and needed from those I trusted and had faith in.

With the knowledge I needed and was intentionally deprived, I know now how to appropriately respond to situations, people and conditions that were intentionally veiled. Once the dust from the deceptions settle you can always see more clearly. I became highly averse a long time ago; highly sensitive to lies, deceptions and/or false representations people make of themselves because the intentional lies they tell are self-serving to their benefit and destructive for you (and to themselves too). It can be infuriating!

We’re creatures who thrive on stability and predictability. Lies and deceptions of any kind take those away and leave doubt, fear, and vigilance in their place. We need to know how our lives will be weeks, months and years in our future and we plan to give ourselves the best opportunity for success and peace.

A healthy value system is one ingredient, and one of those values is our responsibility as adults to protect ourselves and those we love from anyone that would cause us harm or is disruptive to us or to our personal relationships. That includes and is especially applicable to family (see my drop down menu on External Threats to Your Relationship). We can’t survive nor can our meaningful relationships without connecting and cooperating with one another.

The answer most people are looking for when seeing the state of their own lives (usually but not always by their own doing), and is easy enough to “see”, has always been the answer and always will be….is to love and be loved, and don’t look for problems. Love your family and love your partner, in the real sense.

Survival of the Fittest

“Playing nice in the sandbox” is a metaphor, but an important one that conveys two moral values called “sharing” and “friendship” and are developed as a child. But…if a child is trying to survive in some way and grows up in survival mode or fear, the child learns about one thing that takes priority and it’s not sharing or nurturing to their siblings or friends—it’s an intent focus on themselves to be and stay safe in some way. It becomes an ingrained self-centeredness survival tool. They learn to be….first…..first….and first.

Under conditions of bullying and abuse, an innocent child would learn to survive by being vigilant, always looking over their shoulder, not meaning what they say and not saying what they mean, and taking without any expectation to give anything in return. This comes from an environment where it’s survival of the fittest or be eaten alive.

Sharing and connecting emotionally doesn’t become part of the developing dynamics; its not what is learned, experienced or “seen” in their surroundings (remember the cats). The problem comes later in life when they don’t shed that self-centered behavior and take it with them into adulthood. It’s who they are now because it’s what they learned and all they know.

They become takers without a need to reciprocate in any way and supplant goodness because they never learned how not to (not in friendship, love, or any other meaningful relationship). Severe cases may be directly related to a Cluster B disorder.

Things don’t work out for them and they cry because they feel all alone (when they’re not). But they have to always be first in their life, and every relationship has to be steered in a direction believed best for “them”. They don’t see this as a problem. They’re not able to make the connection between their behavior (the cause) and the results. Ultimately, meaningful relationships (or what could have been) in and outside of family are driven into the ground.

Abusers are masters of illusion, maneuvering, manipulation, deceptive strategies, and outright lying. Ironically, sometimes so are their victims. They’ve danced this dance together for a very, very long time. What complicates the abuser-abused (abuser/victim) dynamic further is when some victims fully invest their “loyalty” to their abuser for the sake of….appearances. Blood may be thicker than water, but sometimes that’s a mental and emotional death sentence.

What we learn and what we don’t, and our initial developmental years comes first from our nuclear family and our interpersonal relationships with them individually–siblings, parents and other family members. Our relationship with our families through developmental years sets the tone for our own development; how we see ourselves and others in our worlds, and how we see ourselves in the bigger world.

We plan our futures when the time is right to pave the way for a good life. We learn how to love and the meaning of truth, friendship and a whole array of moral values such as ethics, integrity, honesty, respect, compassion, kindness, gratitude, responsibility, loyalty, cooperation, justice, courage, generosity, patience, forgiveness, sharing, tolerance, love, fairness, empathy (a big one), caring….and more.

We learn how to welcome one special person in we can be good to and who will in return be good to us, and devote ourselves to them and to each other. We have a natural disharmony for things and people that are dissonant, cause us confusion, uncertainty, or fear. An environment that’s unhealthy impedes inner peace if we’re around it too long. It’s a toxin—a poison that permeates around you and creates an unease that becomes ingrained and constant.

It is my hope that what I provide here in my studies, knowledge and research anchors you in your own private storm (or perhaps your own private Hell) created by severely difficult people in your life related by blood or not….it doesn’t matter. These people are scoffers, mockers, narcissists, and other natural creators of hatred and anger, fear and chaos, and conflict.

CRITICAL CHARACTER TRAITS

There are seven Critical Character Traits that make up our personalities and apply to everyone. It’s always good to learn them when we’re growing up, but it’s never too late. Achieve as many as you can and let them become part of your personality and character:

(1) Resilience:  The “True Grit” mindset; the ability to hang in there, tough it out, persevere and recover from setback.

(2) Social Intelligence:  A learned ability from childhood to know yourself and to know others as separate individuals with their own personal and unique identities—to know your place in your own little world, and in the world. This is also about respecting the personal boundaries of others. Social intelligence is learned from successes and failures in social settings (by living life and its integrating experiences).

(3) Emotional Intelligence:  Maturity is the word for this and another learned trait; adult behavior in handling interpersonal relationships and conflicts (versus running, or extreme moral offenses like Ghosting or attacking); possessing an empathic capacity; communicating clearly; being a “grown up”.

(4,5,6, and 7) Gratitude, Kindness, Self-Control, and Optimism require no explanation, and I can add integrity (honesty), compassion, a capacity for authentic love….and a few others.

The presence of all or most of these traits in people is clearly evident, and it’s just as evident when they are lacking or missing altogether. You’ll definitely know if they’re missing.

Abuser Best Approaches

Typical approaches by difficult people are maneuvering, manipulating, and creating situations where they can exercise self-appointed positions as God Almighty (that would be your….God!), the Big Cheese, the Queen (aka Queen Shit), the King (aka King Shit), The Chief (aka The Chief Fucker), and other self-serving titles and positions. They do this by creating standards and requirements for you and arrogantly and hypocritically thinking they are above those very same requirements.

On a side note and as a Christian, when I said “(your …God!)”, I would be remiss for not mentioning Bible passages Exodus 20:3-17 and the First and Second Commandments. If you grew up with a sibling or other bully, you’re an abuse victim. If you are Christian and still fear your abuser as an adult after so many years, try looking deeper into yourself and consider this in your love for Christ:

The First Commandment: Thou shalt have no other Gods before me.

The Second Commandment: Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth”.

Enter…Exodus 20:5: Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them, for I the Lord thy God am a jealous God.

That effectively covers everything and everyone…. above the earth, on the earth, and below….as either a graven image or one who worships a false God and so fears other than Him. He goes on to say He’s a jealous God. To me that seems to be a pretty clear and direct warning to be careful.

This is where it can get a bit dicey for abuse victims…in my view. If you fear someone or something other than Him, the Lord believes you don’t fear Him and that makes Him jealous. He tells you that. This is a double-whammy for victims; they’re abused and bullied, and then reject the fear of God to fear their abuser (more often than not to hold a connection … superficial as it is). For an abuse victim, their abuser then becomes…a graven image…and a false God.

That is worthy of some thought. Victims have to deal with life’s corrections on top of the abuse and fear they endured, namely Karma (see my drop-down on Karma), or God’s corrective wrath—depending on what you believe in, and if those weren’t enough, Mother Nature has never brooked disobedience of her rules by anyone with no exceptions.

Other Biblical warnings for thumbing your nose to the Lord and life’s values are numerous. Plenty of Bible Passages proclaim to reveal your abuser including some of the Proverbs and Psalms, and with sound reason. Beyond those, society will always protect you and good people who love you will too.

Another best practice by abusers is to establish designated roles for their nearest and dearest…anyone they can control through fear and intimidation. They take…and take, and ultimately take you from yourself sometimes in such a way as to make you unrecognizable even to yourself. An environment of fear nullifies a healthy emotional and psychological environment.

Studies suggest an abused person, especially an adult bullied or traumatized from childhood, lived and grew up in fear and was insufficiently nurtured. These are adults who remain a child to some extent emotionally and socially. It’s possible they did not just lose their sense of core self-identity (self-awareness), but it may have not developed in the Critical Window period that was crucial to their development (remember the cats).

If you’re the last born in your family as many are, or second, or third, or fourth, the foundation was laid long before you came into the world—the stage was set. If you have an abuser older sibling or family member, it’s not your fault. The fault always rests with the first suspects on the scene.

They set the stage, laid the foundation, and cast the dye…your parents created the environment for an abuser to develop and thrive. In my case, my malignant narcissistic mother was the perpetrator of my sister who was the “target” as a small girl (normally behind closed doors) and created my sister in her image through emotional cruelty. My father was conditioned as the enabler. I followed years later, and my brother well after me, but the foundation was already hardened when we came along.

I have read that some adults who were emotionally abused as a child are genuinely saddened and cry from feelings of aloneness, and who likely have no idea who they are in their own private world. It must be painfully lonely to look for something “out there”, or in Church, or somewhere, or in another person… the answer that resides in oneself, and not know it’s there. I have compassion for someone trying to find their way as an adult. It’s a sad thought how many people are looking for answers in the wrong place. The best place to look, more often than not, is in the mirror within ourselves.

Sometimes courage is needed for that, and some people just aren’t strong enough. So, we have to be strong for them….love them and try to extricate them from their fearful yet familiar place.

Peter Pan Forever

A metaphor that describes the suffering of some adults who remained primitive in their thinking and behavior (think: adolescent or teenager) throughout adult life, is the Peter Pan Syndrome. For males, the Latin term is Peur Aeterus (Eternal Boy), and for females Puella Aeterna. These terms describe an adult who remained at an adolescent-level in the emotional sense. They covet independence and freedom, oppose boundaries and limits, and tend to find restrictions of any kind intolerable.

They may have an “Avoidant Personality”, or an avoidant relationship/attachment “style” and not possess effective, adult communication skills so at the first sign of a problem, they don’t talk–they run, ghost (a very serious moral failure), and avoid any conflict rather than work things out, and so generally they have not fully developed as mature adults.

I believe we should have compassion for them, but must also be aware they are capable of great harm in various ways. These are, or were at one time long ago, innocent little boys and girls just trying to be happy, traumatized for life, and did not learn the skills to give themselves wholly to another human being (“sharing” themselves)–or even recognize when someone is giving themselves to them.

Some may even believe they’re not worthy of being loved (which is completely untrue) and sabotage their own relationships. While their primitive behavior is because they haven’t learned differently (once again, the cats), these innocent and good-hearted adults can be potentially unpredictable (on the other hand, surprisingly predictable).

They’re capable of a frightening coldness, callousness and cruelty…and many don’t see their behavior that way. In fact, some may blame you for how they treated you. There is a painful reality for many in that their powerlessness and fear as a child remained in adulthood. They were much too busy learning how to survive emotionally and psychologically when they should have been exposed to and learned how to love, share, and nurture.

They don’t have to live in that world anymore. They can choose genuine love and truth, and to welcome in someone who has proven their worth and their authentic friendship and love. Unfortunately, many abuse victims merge with their abuser and become abusers themselves. They develop the same destructive attributes of their abuser that ultimately defeat themselves and their own relationships.

When one merges with their abuser, they hurt themselves and innocent people who are authentic and genuine because they don’t see good as “good”, but as something unfamiliar and unrecognized, so has to either be“wrong” , “doesn’t fit in” and can’t be trusted, or has to be “fixed”, “eliminated”, or “destroyed”.

Remember this: Abuse is contagious, but not like a communicable disease such as an STD or some transmissible virus. It rubs off and infects its human surroundings. If you feel you’re taking on the behavioral attributes of your abuser, try hard to take a step back…or a lot of steps back. That is also testament to Nietzsche’s famous quote: “If you gaze long into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you”. What he means by that is if you have an abuser in your life, take care to not become an abuser yourself.

PROFESSIONAL ABUSERS

They’ve been doing it for a long time. They’re emotional and psychological vampires who suck the life blood energy out of you and while they can be anyone, it is always someone close to you. They’re often and appropriately referred to as parasites, parasitic, or toxic. There is plenty of literature and writings on toxic people so I won’t belabor it. We know their behavior is ultimately destructive, self-defeating and only serves to create conditions for a life of isolation and loneliness for their victims and themselves.

They create strife in their own families to maintain some ridiculous need to be in power and control, and dictate how you should live your life; infesting everyone around them with despair when they don’t have a clue how to live their own lives.

SCIENCE AND RELIGION (The First Will Be Last)

Science has been consistent for decades in determining specific behavioral identifiers and its terms for these creators of chaos, and our life experiences validate their work. Those like you and myself are testament to their work, and speaking of Testament, notwithstanding science and our own correlating life experiences, the Scriptures once again make it more than abundantly clear (as they always do) what happens in the end to selfish, self-centered, self-serving people who always put themselves first:

“If anyone wants to be first, he shall be last of all and servant to all.” (Mark 9:35) (KJV).

In furtherance to this, a works by DC Robertsson titled, “The First Will Be Last (A Biblical Perspective on Narcissism)”, translates Bible passages on narcissism. You won’t find the word narcissist in the Bible, or sociopath, sadist, or psychopath (read my entry on The Dark Tetrad), but there are more passages that describe these behaviors than you ever thought were possible in The Good Book.

Regardless of your beliefs, life is about giving, but most think of it in the shallow “materialism” sense. Material things like money, gifts and other forms of materials are bonuses of developing love, mutual appreciation, gratitude and all good things to another human being. We give gifts at holidays and birthdays in hopes they’re given with genuine emotional meaning and not just empty obligation … if given and exchanged at all. Christmas and birthdays with my family were emotionally empty of warmth.

The “giving” I’m referring to is of ourselves to another human being to make their lives better. This only comes with genuine friendship, love, trust that is earned from openness and honesty …and a realization that a relationship (even in family members) and commitment, are in their true sense to better someone else’s life.  I don’t see that truth, honesty, caring, nurturing, love, friendship and being supportive apply to some relationships and not to others.

A Wise Word of Caution

Humans are the only species on the planet who are cruel with intent. Revenge, vindictiveness, getting even, planning and plotting harm… you must not act on any of those feelings that can be generated easily by a toxic person who has done you harm. My writing about Karma (see my drop down listing) will offer solace to as much a degree as I can provide, and my warnings will serve you well if you heed them. Being an adult isn’t always easy… self-control is absolutely essential. But no other way works.

Never surrender your self-respect! People who hurt you (or me) don’t define us, or who we are. We’re defined by our humanistic values and how we treat others. What people do to you and to me defines them and who they are…he or she….and they own it for eternity (and some will be re-paid for eternity). Romans 12:19-21 will help to understand this.

A Word of Hope

I believe in the human spirit; that with genuine love and support, and perhaps meaningful and willing psychotherapy (talk therapy), one can overcome most of life’s challenges from developmental years living in a tragic environment they did not create. I’ve read about it and have heard it happen for some; an awakening, a kind of revelation, a realization from literally waking up one morning that they’ve hurt people (and themselves) who offered values, friendship, love, and happiness in life.

I welcome positive, constructive and respectful dialogue and feedback. If you have thoughts, comments, or questions about aspects of my book, this website or its content, feel free to use my Contact Page.

Best Wishes, Sean

MICRO-EXPRESSIONS

I learned about and studied micro-expressions extensively from my readings and research in deception detection. I have listed several books on this subject in the Bibliography that were exceptionally helpful. These are facial expressions that last between 0.5 and 4.0 seconds, generally. They are extremely quick and comprise two innate results on the face simultaneously that directly conflict with each other. 

Liars like to lie…they enjoy lying because it’s what they do best, and many are professional grade. But liars have an unknown force of nature’s design working against them. When the brain’s decision-maker (the Amygdala) responds to the joyful stimuli an abusive individual or a liar experience at a lie they’re telling you, the first facial response is likely a smirk which represents gladness (this is the truthful expression).

They’re elated by their lie to you, and it can’t always be hidden. This “extremely quick smirk” is followed instantly by the second emotional response–the smirk fades and replaced with a look of seriousness or indifference (a concealment strategy). But it’s too late. You saw the smirk; the lie is out.

Unlike regular facial expressions based on human emotions (a smile, a laugh, sadness, etc.), it is extremely difficult-to-virtually-impossible to hide micro-expressive reactions. They’re involuntary and can’t be controlled. This is part of the human design. The body, including the face, gives us away.

Micro-expressions occur so rapidly that one must pay close observational attention to an individual’s facial expression in a discussion, or you will miss it. For this reason, when I have to hold a discussion with someone I know is a deceiver or prone to lying, I want that discussion in person and not on the phone.

Micro-expressions convey the seven universal emotions: disgust, anger, fear, sadness, happiness, contempt, and surprise. In the 1990s, Paul Ekman expanded his list of emotions including a range of positive and negative emotions not all of which are encoded in facial muscles. These emotions are amusement, embarrassment, anxiety, guilt, pride, relief, contentment, pleasure, and shame. 

Paul Ekman is regarded one of the best psychologists of the 20th century and was the first to study human emotions and how it could relate to facial expressions. His research was based on how human traits, emotions and deception developed over time through empirical research.

Arm and protect yourself with the knowledge of micro-expressions to have a stronger potential to catch a liar or con artist—lying literally to your face and looking you directly in the eye with relative ease.

PSEUDOMUTUALITY

This is a relationship (any relationship whether family or not) that has a superficial appearance of mutual openness and understanding although the relationship(s) is actually rigid, depersonalizing, and unhealthy (for everyone involved).

“Pseudomutuality” is especially denigrating for someone who is the designated scapegoat or victim, someone looked down upon by family members for whatever the reason, someone who believes they know what’s best for you (that’s about control), or other self-indulgent reason. For clarity, this type of dysfunction (and it’s a major dysfunction) does not exist just in family units or narcissistic family units.

It exists between marriage partners or any people closely involved by emotional bond and in which surface harmony and agreement cloaks deep and damaging interpersonal conflicts that are not confronted openly.

Such is the term I used in my book, and you’ve heard in life; “sweeping under the [psychological] rug” (Chapter 3, page 25; Chapter 9, page 116; Chapter 19, page 288).  Any effort to sweep issues under the rug equates to “…. if we don’t see a problem, it doesn’t exist…and because no problems exist, we’re all fine”.

Pseudomutuality is an unwritten, unspoken agreement through learned behavior to be mutually deceptive without actually saying that. It becomes a culture of normalcy.

Conflicts of views in opinions, issues, or severe interpersonal problems (concealed bullying or power-seekers, control freakery, narcissistic abusers) are resolved by ignoring them and thus pretending everything is fine.  Conflict avoidance becomes normal resulting in dysfunctional behavior for everyone. 

Adult-level healthy communication (talking) is non-existent and pseudomutuality becomes the standard culture. Relationships seemingly loving and strong on the outside to observers where pseudomutuality is active are actually corrupt, unhealthy and comprise mutual deception among players in a sick interaction.

A website URL to learn more about this is lovefraud.com, and a keyword search on Google for pseudomutuality will bring up multiple and highly informative resources.  This is another subject to learn about in your life in addition to micro-expressions.

If you’re involved in something like this whether with a family member(s) or anyone else and not strong enough to confront issues and talk them out (which is fear-based), try to gain the strength (seek support if you have to) to initiate a genuine discussion. There is strength in numbers.

If you have a serial bully in your life, the non-bullies need to stand together such as I wrote in Chapter 20, Page 13 about the sister who maintained a secret relationship with her brother from their bullying, abusive mother, and when a third sibling returned from being away, they joined forces to discuss their concerns, held a meeting with the mother, and the mother’s abuse ceased. She was outnumbered.

If you initiate a discussion in your defense and are ignored or dismissed with anger, rage, or some other form of distractive tactic, stand your ground. The bully’s anger strategy is intentional and serves only two purposes: (1) to take charge of the discussion to bury it, and (2) to effectively take control of you.

Pseudomutuality that exists in families as a standard culture of mutually agreeable deception is a highly dysfunctional family. Beyond that, no issue was ever resolved in any circumstance by ignoring it, yet there are some who are so invested in refusing to accept responsibility or accountability for their behavior that they avoid any self-deprecating topic and may be more overt in their concealment strategy.

For example, if you approach someone about their behavior toward you and that person says,” I am NOT talking about this!!”, and/or walks away in silence and ignores you, or dismisses you, or argues with you about it, that behavior should tell you to put as much distance between you both and never reveal personal information regardless of who they are.

Another tragedy from pseudomutuality is that sometimes powerless victims protect the culture of the abuser with people in their own inner circles (through a false image or portrayal of that person as good) even if they don’t feel good about it and it causes them harm or their personal relationship in some way–just to maintain a “connection” with the abuser (think family member)–a relationship that is actually a fantasy since one cannot have a meaningful relationship with any type of abuser.

I read about “Trauma Bonding” for the first time in my detailed reading of The Stockholm Syndrome and see a correlation between pseudomutuality and The Stockholm Syndrome (read my entry on Stockholm).

Finally, pseudomutuality comes with two guaranteed results and only two, and both are very, very bad for you if you’re involved in this type of destructive relationship: (1) nothing is ever resolved and (2), abusers not only remain in power, but are fueled in strength the more and longer they’re enabled.

KARMA

For some, Karma rings of sweetness and joy and is harmonizing and appealing because people wronged have an inherent need for revenge (which is a trap). Like most, I had a misconception about what Karma really is. I thought when something bad happened to someone it was bad Karma, and when something good happened that was good Karma. I came to understand that Karma works that way—almost. 

“Karma” is a Sanskrit word that means “action” – not result. That means Karma is based on cause-and-effect. It refers to actions and consequences of those actions. The steps in your life, your spiritual development and your personality are directly molded by three things: (1) what you think, (2) how you think, and (3) your actions (your behavior).

The present you affect’s the future you and likely others in your life.  Actions of what people do at any given moment…usually but not always…. affects them immediately in the very next moment. This is Karma’s cause-and-effect and is based on what we do at that very moment. It was important for me to grasp that and incorporate it into my belief system because it’s true.

Do something good and be good in your values, and good should come next for you (and likely for others) because of it–perhaps not right away, but in the future. That is good Karma.  Do something bad and bad Karma comes immediately “depending on the seriousness” of the offense, and if not, Karma will come in the future just as much in a bad way as it would for good….in its own time and bidding.

EXAMPLE 1: You stole something from a department store and the store detective caught you. You’re arrested and locked up for a few days, or pay a small fine or both in the coming days, weeks or months.

EXAMPLE 2: You’re holding a hostage at gunpoint and SWAT is called in. You’re about to experience really bad Karma in the next few minutes.

EXAMPLE 3: The TV show American Greed depicts conartists. They’re everywhere portraying themselves legitimate in their professions and are covert parasites motivated by greed intent on taking from you all they can and stealing your identity. Karma for evil people are jail cells…sometimes worse.

Karma will make bad behavior suffer at a time of its choosing. No one knows what, when, or how, but be assured life gives back what we give and may even be a devastating, life-changing loss or other event.

So you can see now why Karma serves two main functions within Indian moral philosophy. First, it provides a major motivation to live a decent, moral life–be kind, loving, honest, caring (human values), and secondly, Karma serves as the primary explanation for the existence of evil.

It is believed that Karma means no person comes into your life by mere coincidence, and places everyone into your life for a reason and Karmic relationships will play out as planned despite your best efforts. I cannot attest to this belief personally. I have not seen evidence one way or the other to corroborate that fate brings people together.

But I do know a person—whether a complete stranger, your long-term ex-significant other or a family member, is fully aware of his or her actions—what they do and have done. People aren’t oblivious to their abusiveness, sense of wrong, their self-righteousness, and false pride. Liars know they’re liars too, and drug dealers, criminals, and many other variations of dangerous people are well aware of their actions and behavior.

They know they have completely ruined their Karma a long time ago, so they must now live in fear and lurk and hide in the shadows of deception and darkness. Your ex-significant other doesn’t get affected to the same degree as a conartist, thief, or criminal of course, but the same principles apply to everyone:

1. He or she commits karmic injustice.
2. Feels good for feeling empowered.
3. Realizes what he or she has done.
4. Feels guilty, and then….
5. Temporarily or permanently ruins his or her karma. (Temporarily since anyone can redeem their Karma by realizing the pain and destruction their lies and behavior caused someone, and do what needs to be done to undo the damage, and make genuine amends in deeds (not words) as quickly as possible to get back into the good graces of Karma. Those who cause harm to others in any way for selfish, self-serving reasons and then leaves it that way have likely ruined their Karma permanently.

On a final note, and this is important—never wish “bad Karma” on anyone, especially one who has hurt you in the worst of ways–coldly, callously and cruelly. If you do so, your own good Karma is at stake. The laws of the universe will not spare you, and it will not make you feel better. It will make you feel worse.

Wishing bad Karma on someone is very bad for your good conscience too. Revenge and vindictiveness are temporary relief valves and will make things worse if you act upon those tendencies—worse for you! Also, know that Karma is not always immediate and is often mysterious in how and when it comes and operates. It may take time before it’s delivered—perhaps a very long time and you may never see it happen, but rest assured it has been ordered and is on its way to those who hurt you.

In cases of severe harm, Karma does not come knocking lightly on one’s door; it breaks the door down. To name a few types who await their self-imposed karmic justice are the self-righteous, abusers in all forms (overt and covert alike), those who demonize goodness, those who betray others (and ironically, themselves), and the usual narcissists, psychopaths, sociopaths, and sadists (read my drop down about the Dark Tetrad). Always remember….the universe is self-cleansing, and no one escapes. Not even you.

TRIANGULATION

Willingly and intentionally bringing in the opinion, perspective or suggested decision of another person into a two-person relationship dynamic (marriage partners, boyfriend/girlfriend, family) is known as a process called triangulation. If you are the non-triangulating person in a relationship, it can leave you feeling unhinged, insecure, and uncertain.

Triangulation often uses views of other(s) to validate one’s own point of view. It’s a diversionary tactic designed to pull your attention away from someone’s behavior and paint a false picture of that person either as an authority, as desirable, or “right”.  Everyone involved in triangulation is “played” by each other, which makes it more of a sick interaction than a relationship(s).

It exists between specific, closely related people that has likely persisted for years or even decades. It’s a pattern that’s hard to break and extremely unhealthy. The longer it goes on the more it becomes part of that relationships culture. As I mentioned in my book, I could not “reverse triangulate” because I had no third-party person around who was not under the influence of my family members. There is beneficial information on this and other tactics and strategies here:

https://abusewarrior.com/toxic-relationships/narcissistic-abuse/narcissistic-behaviors-that-distort-your-reality/

TYPES OF ANGER

Understanding the levels and types of anger that I experienced required that I study them.  It’s crucial to “see “what you’re looking at for the sole reason, as I experienced, you can’t defend yourself against something you don’t quite understand. There are two sources I found that discuss this and I offer them below. I found numerous overlaps among them which constituted mutually agreeable determinations.  I also offer a brief excerpt from an article by Angela Brooks, a Nurse and Network Marketing Professional, who provides a common use of anger. Read each of these and understand the content.

• Your Life Counts – 3 Types of Anger: https://yourlifecounts.org/learning-center/aggression/dealing-with-anger-types-of-anger/

• Psychology Today – 4 Types of Anger: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201905/4-types-anger-and-their-destructive-impact

The types of anger in these two links above differ in scope and severity when it comes to narcissism and what’s referred to as narcissistic “rage”. The type of rage experienced from narcissists can be and usually is extremely frightening. Learn about it and importantly, understand it here:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/think-well/201910/understanding-narcissism-and-narcissistic-rage

Anger Can Be A Cover-Up for Guilt, Shame and Vulnerability

According to Angela Brooks, anger can be used as a defense mechanism. She writes in her article:

“Anger is a normal emotion that we all have. Humans have had anger since the caveman days, and it is necessary for our survival as a species. Anger, as an emotion, is neither good nor bad, it is just a feeling. It is a response or a behavior, however, that can cause all kinds of havoc both in the person who expresses it inappropriately and those to whom it is directed.

“Or, it can be used as an energy to set things right.”

“One type of anger is shame feelings are a threat to the integrity of the self. Unbearable feelings of shame keep you caught in fear of being found out by others. When you are held prisoner by shame, the perceived deficits within yourself are so humiliating that you will go to extreme lengths to hide the flawed self. Like screaming in rage at another person to get them to back off!”

“Anger can be substituted when you feel guilty and cannot own up to what you have done. Can be substituted to avoid the more painful feelings of embarrassment and humiliation. It can be “used” to shut down the internal bad feelings of vulnerability and helplessness, as anger is a more comfortable emotion to feel. And it works! It can also be “used” to intimidate and force the other person to back off and stop their criticism.”

“Anger then becomes the prevalent emotion used to avoid feeling bad inside. The habit of shielding yourself with the anger defense becomes a learned behavior of self-protection. Anger becomes entrenched as a protective device, and you have trouble giving it up. Anger can work to protect you against threat temporarily. But it creates more shame because on some level you recognize that what you are doing is unacceptable. The guilt and shame of habitually angry people keeps growing because they circumvent the bad feelings instead of dealing with them honestly.”

TYPES OF LIES (the most common)

Ideally, you want to be in the presence of another person to determine deception.  Phone calls make it essentially impossible since facial expressions (micro-expressions) and body language are key to detecting lies, and on the phone all you have are verbal cues that you can’t be certain of.

You need to watch what someone is telling you and observe facial expressions of the person you speak to in order to see any contradictions between micro-expressions, verbalized cues, and body language indicators. There is always some giveaway….always.

Multiple resources differ on how many types of lies there are—some say nine, some say twelve and others say different numbers. All cross-connect in some way from what I have seen, so I find all to be valid. I am only going to mention what is generally accepted as the three most common types of lies.

We can see that the “oath of truth” in our own system of justice covers all three types of lies under every possible scenario in life (with your left hand on the Bible, and your right hand raised to God, of course!) …

• Lies of Commission (“I swear to tell the truth…”): These lies actively provide blatant, false information and are bald-faced; used with the sole intent to deceive. These have the potential to be extremely harmful in a multitude of nefarious and malicious ways.

• Lies of Omission (“…the whole truth…”): With these lies, an important detail is omitted from some statement or someone fails to disclose something crucial about themselves. Lies of omission are nasty. They’re difficult to spot and take less effort from the one lying.  This is an intentional failure to tell the truth in a situation that required full disclosure.  It often forces one to make a decision—unwittingly that is not in their best interest, that they would not likely have made had full disclosure been forthcoming. There’s sort of an evil element to this type of lie. In extreme cases of a major dysfunction, someone intentionally leaving out a detail may smirk without realizing it (micro-expression) or look in another direction, or some other distraction cue…and that is your cue something is amiss. And the third….

• Lies of Influence (“…and nothing but the truth.”): Sometimes people will tell you something completely unrelated to the truth to cover up a lie or partial lie. This is why lies of influence are also called character lies. These lies are meant to make you believe the liar, or to make a liar seem unlikely to even be suspected of lying. Toxic people who tell lies of influence keep the mask on of love and respectability while denying the truth and it’s highly likely planning and plotting may be underway in the background to further undermine you, and to ensure or maintain validity of the influential lie.

COLORS OF LIES

Lies have four (4) colors that determine the severity of the lie:

• White lies are altruistic. These lies seek to help others even if it comes at some cost to us; they’re completely unselfish lies that cause no harm to anyone and in fact, may save someone’s life under the right circumstances.

• Gray lies are lies most people tell. They serve to help others partly and to help us partly. Variations in the shade of gray depends on the balance of help vs harm, so there is some harm depending on the shade. The only question then is harm to what degree or extent?  With gray lies, clarity is at times hard to capture. You can lie to help a friend or family member out of trouble and you get a return benefit when they lie for you later. The problem with that is those harmed in some way always lose out on something and one or more of the liars does too (rather stupidly self-defeating). Why?
  • Another human condition never fails to assert itself. Protecting liars has a cost even if you’re related by blood, so don’t think that being loyal to a family member in protecting their appearance of altruism or lies is good for you. Loyalty to any known, habitual liar has a cost and Karma will come barging in soon enough. If people and family members willingly lie to each other and for each other, they also lie at each other and behind each other’s backs. That’s how this process works in its purest dysfunctional form and takes decades to get there. And they’re aware of it. In the end, how can they believe and trust one another?

• Black lies are intentionally pure selfishness, callousness, and designed to be extremely harmful or even potentially fatal to others. There is only one reason someone tells a black lie–personal gain or benefit in some way (tangible or intangible) and someone else loses significantly.

• Red lies are the worst of the worst. These are about spite, revenge, and vindictiveness. These lies are driven by a motive to cause intensely severe harm to others even at the expense of harming oneself and may even result in bloodshed and violent death.  Pathological/malignant narcissism and sociopaths are in this category. Retribution to resolve an injustice (even perceived) may be a primary motivator even with potential self-destruction. If you know someone capable of red lies, abandon them immediately for your own safety!

THE FLYING MONKEY

This is not a comical term but an actual and very common term in professional psychology. A flying monkey can be anyone such as a friend, neighbor, cousin, spouse, sibling…anyone…who believes a known, fake persona.  According to popular psychology author Angela Atkinson, flying monkeys are usually those who are unwittingly manipulated to believe disparaging remarks and smears about someone who is targeted (a victim). A flying monkey does not have to be a narcissist but may also be a narcissist working in tandem with another narcissist. A related term for Flying Monkey is “abuse by proxy”.

Flying Monkey takes its name from the Wizard of Oz, in which the Wicked Witch of the West employed flying monkeys to do her bidding. According to narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) author Sam Vaknin and other writers, proxy abusers can come from a number of sources: (1) the abuser’s associates, (2) the victim’s associates manipulated to side with the abuser, and (3) authority and institutional figures manipulated to side with the abuser. Here are some related key words for further reading and awareness:

• Character assassination
• Cult
• Enabling
• Factitious disorder imposed on another
• Family nexus
• Gang-stalking
• Parental alienation
• Parental alienation syndrome
• Sycophancy
• Triangulation (psychology)
• Stockholm syndrome
• Useful idiot

GASLIGHTING

This is an emotional manipulation tactic that leaves its victims confused and despondent as they question their own sanity and leaves one in a fog of an altered reality because it induces in someone the sense that their reactions, perceptions, beliefs and even memories are not only mistaken, but without grounds – unfounded to such an extent as to qualify as crazy (Abramson, 2014, p.2.) (Sarkis, 2018). 

By creating chaos, gaslighters hold all the power in a relationship as their victims become increasingly oppressed. Triangulation is often used with it, which involves speaking through other people rather than directly, and “splitting” (also called “black-and-white thinking”, or “all-or-nothing thinking”) which involves driving a wedge between people (Sarkis, 2018). Splitting is a central defense mechanism.

Manipulative gaslighting is further described as an act of sidestepping actual evidence supporting a victim’s testimony or truthfulness and labeling the victim as psychologically or cognitively impaired (Stark, 2019). To this end, gaslighters typically use statements such as “You’re too sensitive”, “You’re nuts, “Lighten up”, “You need help”, and “I was only kidding” among others. 

Domestic violence and domestic abusers provide ideal case studies for gaslighting as it is a common way for abusive people to isolate their victim while limiting the victim’s ability to seek help (Sweet, 2019). There are very effective techniques you can use to stop gaslighting behaviors.  Here are some:

Recognize warning signs.  Gaslighting is not an overnight occurrence. Perpetrators repeatedly trick, deceive, and manipulate to wear down victim(s) over time. The insidious nature of gaslighting generally leaves victims feeling lost and confused without ever noticing the steps that got them there. With that, there are definite signs that may indicate early gaslighting tactics.  Some are:

• Attempts made to turn others against you.
• You are repeatedly being lied to and lied about to others.
• You are criticized as being crazy, sensitive, weak, wrong, stupid, or inept.
• You are being isolated from friends and family.
• Your attempts at communicating your concerns never go anywhere.

• Listen to your gut (instincts).  If you feel that something isn’t right in your relationship or your interactions with someone, don’t ignore your intuition.
• Don’t be ashamed.  Gaslighters are masterful manipulators, and anyone may be drawn into their tactics regardless of intelligence level.
• Don’t second guess your feelings and intellect. If you feel a certain way or believe something to be true, don’t allow someone to discredit you. Document every interaction if you have to. Keep a journal.
• Check in with other people.  As you are being drawn into the gaslighters’ manipulative process, the insight of others will help you see the reality of the situation.
• Don’t merely accept the gaslighters assertions regarding your mental or emotional wellness.
• Don’t retaliate. Gaslighters rarely back down; typically seek revenge if retaliated against (Sarkis, 2018).
• Try not to react.  If you can avoid acting afraid or upset, do so. Like bullies, gaslighters are reinforced by their ability to get under your skin.
• Reduce exposure to a gaslighter whenever possible and GET OUT of a relationship fast.
• Seek help from a therapist.

Because gaslighting is fueled by the intimacy between the abuser and victim (including nuclear-family members, from my experience), it often occurs within close relationships (Stern, 2018). Gaslighters may be any gender, and gaslighting may take place in any relationship.

Gaslighting, which victims have described as ‘crazy-making,’ is especially damaging within power-laden relationships (Sweet, 2019).  Gaslighting is a type of narcissistic abuse in which the perpetrator often lacks empathy and has high levels of entitlement and antisocial attributes (Arabi, 2019).

Gaslighting is a long process that works in stages. For example, at the beginning of a relationship, the victim may only notice that something uncomfortable is happening within the relationship but may be unclear as to precisely what it is.

Over time, a victim becomes increasingly confused, worn down, and emotionally exhausted by an abuser’s manipulation, indifference, berating, and intimidation. This process feeds off of itself as gaslighting tactics weaken a victim’s defenses; they become more vulnerable and helpless against continued abuse.

Relationships are ripe for gaslighting effects because one of the most effective tools in gaslighting is love (e.g., opinions hold more weight when held by those believed to love us; Abramson, 2014).  Interestingly, coercive gaslighting interactions are more common the longer couples are together (Blázquez Alonso, Moreno Manso, & García-Baamonde Sánchez, 2012).

Importantly, along with being highly detrimental to kids, gaslighting behaviors are frequently passed down to the next generation. Children raised by gaslighters will often apply these same tactics in their own relationships, a behavior referred to by Sarkis (2018) as ‘fleas,’ meaning, ‘lie down with dogs, and you end up with fleas.’ It is thus imperative to break the cycle of gaslighting behavior before it extends its destructive grasp toward more potential victims.

The consequences of the chronic stress of gaslighting might also result in health problems and reduced work performance. Clearly, gaslighting is no joke; it erodes multiple facets of psychosocial health, often leaving victims with major depression, anxiety disorders and even suicidality (Sarkis, 2018).

A Final Message: Gaslighting is a control tactic that wreaks havoc on various types of relationships, including those between romantic partners, parents and children, siblings, and coworkers. Anyone may be affected by this insidious technique – victimization is not a sign of weakness or naiveté. The short- and long-term consequences of gaslighting are immense, leaving victims profoundly depressed and unable to cope with daily life. Gaslighting across various contexts identifies major red flags. You must heed them!

The Mask, Bully, Coward, Liar, Fraudster (Overt and Covert Abuse)

It’s not very nice to call someone names or to label them as this sectional title suggests, but when it comes to a narcissistic person or someone with narcissistic behavior, calling them out is a matter of survival. I personally have no problem standing up to anyone like this.

Exposing or calling out abusers of any type (sexual, emotional, psychological), or a bully, in public or private and especially identifying it within a family, is the same as urinating on the altar. Be prepared for a full-frontal attack or a full-scale war.

Every narcissistic person or one demonstrating such behaviors wears a mask to its internal and external worlds. It is a false persona that serves them and only them and what they want you to see. When you strip the mask off, you’ll find weakness and vulnerability you might consider to be pitiable—and that would be true if they weren’t so ruthless and vicious.

The worst are covert; they know how to hide until they lurk from the shadows to inflict behavior to meet their objectives (always not to anyone’s benefit but their own), and then lurk back into hiding. Excuses, fake remorse, and empty promises follow to soothe the gaping emotional and psychological wound, but it’s a trap to keep you on the hook and to keep themselves in power. Let’s look at these:

The Mask: Abusers of all types wear a mask. Chances are you will never remove the mask but if you do, you will become the enemy. The mask is defended at all costs with a full arsenal and array of controlling strategies, preemptive strikes (offense or defensive depending on the situation), and abuse tactics… including potential violence.

Whether a young person or a child who was overvalued with excessive praise and indulgence or undervalued with neglect and/or abuse (or a combination of both parental mishandling styles), the narcissistic person is an emotionally stunted child with an adult savvy for ruthless and vicious manipulating. The mask he or she wears to assert a face of superiority and entitlement is designed to protect themselves from intolerable feelings of invalidation.

The Bully:  These are classics who ambush, attack without cause or a perceived reason and prey on the vulnerable within their reach and grasp, usually those who love them or have an emotional bond with them, namely spouses, children, brother(s)/sister(s), parents, wife, husband, etc., and who as a result, can leave a decaying carcass of lasting emotional/physiological trauma. Exploiting power over others through fear and intimidation feeds their endless need to control, feel superior, and their lack of empathy gives them free range to abuse without the troubling hindrance of a conscience.

The Coward: Every coward wears a mask. Many of us come out of invalidating (sometimes severely) home environments, but we don’t become compassionless sadists. Narcissists or those who demonstrate narcissistic tendencies and thinking patterns are cowards and fundamentally terrified of anyone who might see through their mask.

Their driving motivation in life is to shield themselves from threatening emotions that trigger a deep-seated sense of inferiority (narcissistic injury).  They often strike and run, initiating surprise emotional and/or psychological attacks and then retreating into the shadows before they can be confronted with consequences. They’re experts at leaving no evidence (at least to those uninformed who don’t understand them). Expose them and they may behave in return with passive-aggression, cloaking rage in pitying performances meant to induce fear, guilt and blame (in you). 

Whatever hurtful or harmful tactics they use, they never take responsibility for their behavior and flat out refuse accountability. They are masterful and convincing in denial and blame while secretly undermining you in the background.

The Liar:  The mask these people wear is in itself a lie just as it is for other creatures of conflict. Period. It’s designed to protect them from truths they cannot bear and their lies they refuse to own. This may feel like another pity moment, and pity for a narcissist or someone who demonstrates the behavior is understandable—but beware. If you pity a narcissistic person (or person with that tendency) regardless of who they are, you’re roaming in very dangerous territory.

They continuously try to control others’ perceptions of them and when they can’t, they resort to nasty and at times violent reprisal. They cast themselves with virtues, highly principled and respectful of others, but are only concerned with their needs and objectives and are too weak to face life’s truths, especially those that threaten their defenses. They talk a good game but when it comes to truth, they stonewall, blame/shame, scapegoat, gaslight, and always deflect.

The Fraudster:  They are, by nature, human clones. Their mask is permanent but can still be removed with surgical precision. They lie, exaggerate and brag about themselves and denigrate others to boost their image.  Everything they do is in the service of asserting a superior face no matter what reality exists inside themselves or within their family. A dictionary definition of fraud is a person or thing intended to deceive others, typically by unjustifiably claiming or being credited with accomplishments or qualities.

They are classic frauds at love, parenting, friendship and any other important relationship in life. Because they lack ability to recognize and empathize with others’ experiences and emotions, they are incapable of authentic intimacy, kindness, or selfless giving.

Covert Abuse (Psychology Today)

There is an interesting article here on covert abusers you will be gratified to read:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/romance-redux/201802/what-everyone-should-know-about-covert-abusers

How to identify (and deal with) external threats to your relationship

E.B. Johnson is writer, author and certified coach. She is Host of the Practical Growth Pod. Master Practitioner NLP. Her resources can be found here: https://linktr.ee/ebjohnson01.

In my opinion, she hits home run after home run in learning how to deal when your love is under attack, and she focuses specifically on when you have family members who interfere. She writes:

How family interferes

When it comes to the undermining of integrity in our relationships, no one does it quite like family. The people who know us best are also best at dividing us from the ones we love, and they do it using a number of creative and malicious methods”.

Be it conscious or unconscious, the people around us can pose a threat to the security of our romantic relationships. There are some who attack the relationships of others because they are insecure or feel a need to be “superior”; others do it because they live an emotional world based around reactive fear.

Whatever the reason might be, it’s important to know the signs of a romantic interferer before they can destroy your relationship. Toxic people enjoy nothing more than undermining the integrity of a couple, and they usually do so by creating conflict and derailing one partner or the other. Only by knowing the signs can we prevent and minimize these attacks, protecting our relationships and the connections that give our life meaning.

Exercising authority

There are several different ways in which authority can be exercised over another person. When it comes to breaking down our romantic relationships, this type of rank pulling most often happens with our mothers, fathers or anyone else that we might see as a caretaker or “authority figure”.

This pulling of rank can be done directly, by making a demand and forcefully intervening, or it can take a more passive-aggressive form like [up]coming events in which only one partner can be included (ref Chapter 7, page 77). Either way, it’s toxic, and it undermines our partnerships in devastating ways.

Generating crises

Many third-party interferers assert their dominance by generating crises that don’t exist. These catastrophes are intended to draw away the attention of one partner or the other and it is also meant to sow discord between them.

As one partner scrambles around, seeing to schedules and priorities, the other is left behind or drawn away with any assortment of other tasks. Over time, the partners can become distant or unhappy with one another as their time together falls more and more out of whack.

Creating conflict

While this one is not always limited to the realm of family, creating conflict is one of the primary ways in which our family members might seek to undermine our romantic relationships.

Some people just cannot resist the urge to stir up aggravation everywhere they go. They can do this overtly or they can do it by whispering in corners — no matter how it’s done it’s damaging in a number of ways. These are the people that can cause us to quarrel with our partners of what is happening or what to do about it, pushing us until we’re at our absolute limits with our spouses and even ourselves.

Whichever way they choose to do it, those who sow disharmony in a relationship are always toxic, but it sometimes takes some brutal honesty to come to terms with who and what is causing things to go south in your relationship.

Interfering

The interferer can be a hard person to spot. They might be the parent who reorganizes the kitchen without asking, or they might be the aunt who gives your children caffeinated soda (even when you asked them not to). There are a lot of different ways that our loved ones can interfere in our romantic relationships — and every single one of them is toxic.

Being passive-aggressive

Our family members can manipulate our emotions like no one else, and this most often happens through passive-aggressive behavior.

Passive-aggressive interference occurs when a third-party manipulates a couple (or one of its members) by expressing an anger that they deny as their own. Think of the mother who withdraws or refuses to participate because she “doesn’t like” your partner or the activity. It could also be the person who teases or pretends that things are not as they are.

Blame is a big part of the passive-aggressive game, and that comes down to shifting the blame for their own feelings and opinions onto others. Passive-aggressive people can be hard to spot, and even harder to detach from, but it’s necessary in order to protect ourselves and the ones we love.

Creating doubt

When our friends or those around us [those close to us] constantly question our partner, it can create doubts that seriously undermine the trust that is crucial for the survival of any relationship.

Even if our partners are clear with us about who they are and what they want from life and their connections, constant questioning or criticism from a third-party can force us to question our spouses and companions. With these people, even seemingly innocent questions become kernels of insecurity.

A little (un)healthy competition

We all know that person who just can’t resist doing “one better” than everyone else. If you describe your vacation, they describe a better one. If you suggest a restaurant, they suggest a better one.

These individuals pose an especially dangerous threat to a relationship because they feel a constant and driving need to be superior. This deep-seated need often stems from insecurity and drives them to interfere in relationships they see as happy or successful.

Draining your resources

Though this can occur with our family members, it can also occur with our friends. This draining of resources can occur when an “energy vampire” steals enough time or attention to create a conflict between you and your partner. It can also occur when a friend or family member demands more time or material wealth than can be comfortably given away.

Signs your relationship is under attack

If you’re not sure, there are a few concrete signs that your relationship is under attack from someone or something on the outside. While some of these issues can stem from internal problems within the relationships (or the partners), many of them also stem from outside influence. Be sure you know how to spot these signs, or forever risk asking yourself “what if?”

Selfish rather than selfless

If you find that your relationship is requiring a lot more give than take, then chances are there’s an imbalance that could be impacted by outside sources.

Though couples drift naturally, a sudden shift into self-centered mode by one or both partners can be a major-warning sign that someone is interfering where they shouldn’t be. There are a lot of messages out there in our society that tell us our own happiness comes first, that just isn’t true in a romantic partnership.

It’s important to keep your needs in sight, yes, but it’s critical to consider the needs of the other partner as well. When your relationship takes a one-way ticket to self-centeredness, it’s often a sign that outside forces or pressure is at work.

Perpetual aggravation

When one partner seems perpetually annoyed, there’s often outside sources at play. The people around us can be masters of creating doubt, and that can cause us to get clingy, rigid or demanding with our partners. When we’re feeling stressed or doubtful about something, it lowers our resilience and makes us lash out in strange ways. Annoyance and aggravation in a relationship can be exasperated by friends or family who insist on sticking their noses where they shouldn’t be.

Uninvited enablers

Those who are intent on dividing us from our spouses and partners often use enablement as a means of getting in the middle. When third parties enable one member of a couple, they are encouraging behaviors that are destructive, heedless of the destruction being done.

They might do this for entertainment, spite or just because they’re generally ignorant of the consequences in their life. Friends who keep us out late (despite our protestations) or who offer access to things that are best left alone, are toxic and intent on destroying our relationship — whether we realize it or not.

Defeating this type of interference takes confrontation, but that in itself takes a certain type of understanding and know-how. Enablers aren’t to be taken lightly, they should be addressed at all costs. No one can undermine a relationship quite like the enabler intent on destruction.

Constant disruption

Simple interruptions might not seem like a problem the first time-or-two they occur, but they quickly add up to equally big problems for the couple on a downslide. Malicious third parties love to create issues in our partnerships by creating chaos that impacts everything from internal organization to ability to focus. While one partner might handle the interruption well, the other may not, and all it takes is one misunderstanding to end up in a world of “couple issues”.

How to lock your relationship down and kick the interlopers to the curb

If the picture above seems scary, don’t despair. There are a number of ways you can protect yourself and your partner from the malicious intent of others, but it takes honest communication and commitment each day. If you’re worried that your relationship is under attack, use these simple techniques to lock your relationship down before it’s too late.

1. Set boundaries (and stick to them)

Boundaries are not only important on a personal level, they are important on a relationship level as well. Our boundaries are the foundation of our health and happiness, but they have to be clear and we have to put a little work into them each day. The boundaries that are contained within our relationships guide our decisions, while fulfilling our need for stability. They’re important, and it’s critical that we stress their importance to the people around us.

Each couple has unique needs when it comes to their boundaries. Some partners value strong communication, while others value freedom and independence. It’s important to protect those values and support the needs of one another through frank and honest conversation. Decide what’s important to both of you and look for common ground that can help you maintain a strong and united front when the pressure is on. Start small and focus on a few new boundaries at a time, but don’t forget that you need to set boundaries with others as well.

You can’t set boundaries for other people until you have set boundaries for one another as partners. Once you’ve done that, you can zero in on tightening things up, so that you’re both better able to resist the stressors and temptations of outside influences.

Develop these either preemptively or as the need arises, making sure you maintain honest and open channels of communication throughout. These boundaries need to be agreed upon, and set with a certain degree of understanding on behalf of both partners. Discuss things, but trust one another’s judgement calls and know that they will always choose what’s best for both of you, not just themselves.

2. Maintain a united front

If you’re not a team [entirely devoted and committed to your relationship], you’re not going to be able to overcome even the smallest of challenges to your unity. Reassure your partner that you’re on their side, and make sure they’re on yours. Unwavering support is what it takes to overcome a third-party hell bent on destruction, but that’s only created by the two of you engaging in strengthening communication and experiences.

Get rid of that tendency to side with someone else against your partner. Drop that criticism in front of others. Present a united front at all times and make it clear that you won’t ever allow someone else to damage the foundation you’ve both worked so hard to create. You both need to be committed to the cause [your relationship], and you both need to make it clear that you’re one unit; one army — united.

3. Limit the influence of others

Once you have a united front and a united collection of boundaries, you can then set about limiting the influence of others on your relationship, effectively. We all have different tolerance levels, but you need to come together with your partner to decide the amount and type of influence you’re going to allow to impact your relationship.

You don’t limit the influence of others by shutting them out, you limit it by creating a plan ahead of time and trusting your partner, no matter what.

The outside influences in our life can be friends, family and even co-workers. There is always going to be at least one person in your life that is trying to influence or manipulate you in some way, so it’s wise to have a general plan before you’re confronted with a challenge or a threat from someone outside your partnership.

Decide how you will support one another through such confrontations, and be honest when some topics are strictly off-limits. Don’t respond to guilt trips and make sure you’re both clear on the plan of action when major decisions or family values come into the mix.

If you don’t learn how to limit the influence of others — and do it effectively — it will become an ongoing problem in your relationship that could drive an irreparable wedge between you. Make a plan of action that works for you both and stick to it. No one knows your relationship better than the two of you. Take charge of it and make it clear you won’t allow interferers or enablers to get involved.

Putting it all together…

It’s critical to learn how to spot outside threats to our romantic relationships. These threats can come from friends and family alike, and they can occur in a number of subtle and malicious ways. From passive-aggressive interference to an all-out fabricated crises — there are an array of ways the people around us undermine our relationships; but they can be thwarted with a little know-how and a little understanding.

Learn how to spot the signs of interference and know the difference between a caring friend and a nosey interloper. Wandering eyes and perpetual aggravation are often signs that someone is getting in the way, but you have to be honest and you have to be open in order to limit the effects of this interference. Protect your love by setting boundaries, maintaining a united front and limiting the influence of the more dangerous third-party elements in your environment. While falling in love might be easy, maintaining it takes work. Protect your work and your heart by protecting your relationship each and every day.

Resources to help you save your relationship (toxic family dynamics)

Oprah Winfrey, Psychology Today, Bustle, and others weigh in below with excellent guidance that will help you to understand the dynamics of a family or family members (his or hers) that controls or undermines your relationship and how to counter it. These are just a sample I selected that covers multiple scenarios. One common agreement among them all, however, is you must be united with your partner. A divided house always falls.

The most interesting of these articles and literature is the shear number about family or family members interfering with or destroying internal relationships. If it weren’t so common, these articles wouldn’t exist. Do your part to protect your relationship from your family. Read on….

https://medium.com/practical-growth/how-to-deal-with-a-toxic-sibling-32ff678873c6

https://pairedlife.com/relationships/How_to_Keep_Your_Family_From_Ruining_Your_Relationship

https://www.elitedaily.com/p/if-your-family-doesnt-support-your-relationship-heres-what-experts-suggest-18011988

https://www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-relationships/arguing-and-conflict/your-family-causing-problems-your-relationship

https://www.oprahdaily.com/life/relationships-love/a29609819/signs-of-toxic-family/

https://www.oprah.com/relationships/is-your-family-toxic

https://www.bustle.com/articles/168239-13-ways-to-avoid-letting-your-relationship-with-your-parents-affect-your-romantic-relationship

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/finding-new-home/202108/why-these-friends-and-relatives-cant-stop-meddling-in-your-life

https://www.today.com/news/when-it-really-none-your-business-wbna15545595

https://medium.com/wholistique/why-some-people-meddle-with-the-romantic-relationships-of-friends-and-family-8230482b0f56

https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/02654075211001127

THE DARK TETRAD

The Dark Tetrad traits describe the anti-social personality traits of narcissism, psychopathy, Machiavellianism, and sadism. While all four of these traits describe people who are prone to cruel behavior and taking advantage of others, each one is associated with a distinct profile.

According to psych2go.net, there are 7 signs of a dark tetrad personality. Following is a small excerpt. You can read the full article here: https://psych2go.net/7-signs-of-a-dark-tetrad-personality/

So, What Is the Dark Tetrad?

The Dark Tetrad is an evolution of the Dark Triad comprising narcissism, psychopathy, and machiavellianism. Added to this list after the Dark Triad was developed, was sadism–the fourth which changes the Dark Triad to the Dark Tetrad.

These four traits are believed to serve as the core of humanity’s dark side. Each trait is believed to be tied with one another, meaning that someone who shows just one element of the tetrad is likely to show another. It’s possible elements of all four can reside in one person. Each of the four traits are defined by the following (in their most simplistic definitions that DO NOT convey their true danger):

• Narcissism: Egocentrism and need for admiration.
• Psychopathy: Lacking empathy and regard to ethics.
• Machiavellianism: Manipulative and feelings of entitlement. 
• Sadism: Desire to hurt others mentally, emotionally, and/or physically.

(Source: Hammond 2019)

To learn more about the Dark Tetrad, Psychology Today offers informative knowledge in the article you can read here:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/finding-new-home/201910/should-the- dark-triad-become-the-dark-tetrad

THE PLACE OF STOCKHOLM SYNDROME IN NARCISSISTIC VICTIM SYNDROME

In the Prologue of my book, I write: “The parties involved—both abusers and victims—are bound by family
ties that are difficult to break, and so the victim suffers in silence and strives to find a way to keep a semblance of family connection while at the same time keeping the abusers at arm’s length.”

An interesting article I discovered describes the phenomenon of Stockholm Syndrome on victims of abusers. The Stockholm episode in 1973 sparked off great interest and research into the phenomenon of emotional bonding between captors and captives (abusers and victims). Psychologists wanted to know if what was witnessed in the Stockholm bank incident was a unique occurrence, or was it more common than was thought. Since then, studies have revealed that this behavior (positive attachment) in the captives does indeed occur in many situations, for example; narcissistic abuse, battering (men and women), abused children, incest victims, rape victims, cult members, prison camps, pimp-procured prostitutes, prisoners of war, etc.

It is interesting to note that Trauma Bonding occurs involuntarily in some abuse victims in which abusers can be anyone. In the context of this article, a “captor” does not have to be a hostage-taker and can be a family member (an abuser), and a “captive” does not have to be a “hostage”, but is always a “victim”. In part, the article states:

“Stockholm Syndrome knows no bounds, it can be found in all kinds of interpersonal relationships in the context of social, cultural and other influences; For example, families, intimate relationships, friendships, marriage, parent-child, the workplace, social clubs, associations, schools, Churches, Cults etc. That means that the abuser can be anybody from a father or mother, a brother or sister, a husband or wife, a son or daughter, boyfriend or girlfriend, a boss and employee, or indeed, any role in which the abuser is in a position of control or authority.

This phenomenon is so wide-spread that, in fact, virtually anyone can become a victim of Stockholm Syndrome. It seems that all that is required is the four following conditions be present:

1. That there is a perceived threat to the captive’s existence [emotionally, psychologically, or physically], and they [the victim/captive] fervently believes that the captor will carry out that threat.
2. That the captive experiences small kindnesses from their captor within a context of terror. [This is a “conditioning” through cruelty followed by actions and verbal kindness or affection; warmth, compassion after rage or some form of punishment for defiance or disobedience, and reward for compliance or obedience].
3. That the captive is isolated from any other perspectives [or views] other than those of their captor [the abuser].
4. That the captive perceives they have an inability to escape.” [Blood-family members, marriage partners, etc].

So what does Stockholm Syndrome have to do with a client/patient presenting with Narcissistic Victim Syndrome as a result of narcissistic abuse? The short answer is…a lot. For that reason, it is important for a therapist to understand and recognize the components of Stockholm Syndrome.

Without this understanding it is hard to fathom why a victim stays under the control of the narcissistic abuser for so long. The truth of the situation is that she [or he] has no idea that they are a victim of narcissistic abuse, neither are they aware that they are suffering the effects of Stockholm Syndrome, therefore, they do not have the necessary information to make sense of the dynamics created by the bonding process that comes with trauma.

Trying to exist while living within a spiral of behavior that includes the extremes of constant threats or adverse behavior by someone who believes they know what’s best for you (control) and kindness (intermittent good-bad treatment); the victim goes through a process of feeling loved while at the same time having their self-esteem shredded. These two elements together cause a power imbalance that can create the phenomenon of Trauma Bonding, and starts in childhood for some that becomes a culture and remains for life….unless one is strong and determined enough to have a good life where they put their abuser on notice with distance.

Read the complete article here: narcissisticbehavior.net/the-place-of-stockholm-syndrome-in-narcissistic-victim-syndrome

I will be sharing more….check back soon!